I never had a father.
Well, like everyone, I have a biological father but I never had a “daddy.” Unlike most people, however, I don’t know who my old man is. I’m a child of rape, at a family function my Mum got pregnant with me - the only thing I know for sure is that I do belong to that family. I just don’t know which one to look to when I want to send a father’s day card. Until I was five I called one of my Mum’s brothers “daddy” because I lived with him for a while - I didn’t know any better. Turns out it wasn’t him… wrong side of the family. The more I think about the past, the more I realise how insanely odd things in my childhood have been. I tried explaining the above to someone I’m fairly close to, yesterday, but it didn’t go over too well.
This is what I told her:
The Epicurean that you know, doesn’t actually exist. She’s a figment of your imagination, someone I created so I wouldn’t appear to be such an oddity.
So I’ve decided to really change myself this summer - I don’t like the person I see in the mirror - she’s not the hard working individual everyone thinks she is and why am I talking about myself in the third person? 
I just feel fed up with everyone’s expectations of me, whatever happened to my expectations of myself? The person I wanted to be? I know I’m ranting - don’t do the obvious and point that out to me. I know.
Then I think, okay, I can’t blame anyone but myself because I’m the one who let it come to this - all of this is my doing. How do I undo it? Everything?
I feel so lost right now, I wish I could ask someone to hold me while I cry but I don’t know who to ask. Everyone thinks I’m so strong, but I’m not. I need a rock too. I meditate and I don’t find peace anymore, rather I’m greeted with more questions than I could ever possibly answer. I read so I don’t have to think about things going on in my life because avoiding the problem seems to be easier than anything else… I have to stop.
And I will… I’ll make a list.. slowly check things off upon completion, works for everything in my life - should work for this, right?
May 19th, 2006 at 8:50 am
I know this is a sensitive question but when did you find out that your mum was raped? That experience must have been awful for your mother and it must have taken a truly strong soul to go through having the child as a result. Because of that, in my eyes, it makes you even more special, a unique soul who have a loving heart.
Struggle and confusion is natural. It’s a great part of the journey of life. Through confusion we gain the greatest clarity of all! I feel sorry for people who’ve never felt confused. They have very little understanding on life. Those of us who’ve had the rocky road have a wealth of experience and compassion to offer to other people.
I not sure why your friend couldn’t understand you, but it has given me a greater appreciation of the person you are and the diamond you are!
May 19th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
It’s one of those things that was constantly thrown in my face as a child. If I ever did anything wrong, if I ever said anything I wasn’t supposed to… I’ve always known and then around the time my Mum finally left him, I found out the how and when - just not the who.
May 19th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
That can’t have been an easy thing to find out. How old were you?
June 8th, 2006 at 9:03 pm
I just found out too that I’m in the same situation. I now know who it is. I’ve been going thru periods of anger and hurt. You are more than welcome to email me we can chat if you like.
email is roger_emma@hotmail.com
Take care
July 12th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
It is a complete source of knowledge.