I’m confused, but then again, what’s new? Thanks to everyone who commented in my last entry. That was actually written almost four months ago now. I think that I’ve given the wrong impression, it’s been three years since I’ve been cancer free, but there have been many complications on my road to recovery. I was in secondary school; because I’m in Canada the system is a little different, in my second last year. I didn’t tell anyone at school other than my teachers, I was too afraid to tell any of my friends. Why burden people who are not yet reached the maturity to talk about penises without giggling as if they’re thirteen year-olds, with breast cancer? I didn’t think anyone was really mature enough to handle it, so I kept it to myself.
The reason this is very much a problem in my life at the moment is I have recently decided that I would like a breast reduction and I would also like the implant in my right breast removed. People think “Oh wow! She’s got double D cups” it’s not a good feeling. I’ve been losing a lot of weight (on purpose) and my right side is a C cup on its own, without the implant. I feel like I’m some thirteen year-old by stuffing my bra to “even” things out. I’m extremely lucky, though, because the day after I go home for winter holidays I’ll be going under the knife and hopefully when I recover I’ll finally be able to move on. I won’t feel like I have to hide.
Last night I told Renita, my flatmate, about what I’m doing. We ended up taking home two pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, talked the entire night, and then cried. Seems that I cry a lot these days, I don’t know why I’m so emotional. She thinks it’s a good idea and she even asked if I wanted her to fly home with me for the surgery. She’s from Toronto and I’m from Vancouver, at the moment, we’re both in Montreal. She offered to fly 5 hours with me for one day. That’s what I call a compassionate individual – I don’t know what I’d do without her, she’s honestly made the past couple of months bearable.
I haven’t told my Mum about the diabetes or the thyroid problem. She’d make me go home for good and treat me like an invalid. If nothing else I’d just like to be treated as a normal person. I don’t even know what “normal” is anymore.
And now my other problem.
Cory…I met him when I was 15, the summer before I was diagnosed. He knows me better than I know myself. I can’t hide things from him because when I try he knows I’m doing it. The change of tone in my voice, the way I speak, the way my facial expression turns to “stone,” the way I stop playing with my hair… he sees it all. I’ve known him five years now, I know his moods, I know his past, I know his dreams… I know his hopes. Yet after all is said and done, I realise I’m in love with him and he doesn’t want to be with me after years of telling me, “E, I love you and I respect that you don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I want you.” I finally see that this wonderful man has been right before my eyes and when I think I’m ready to move a step forward with him, he doesn’t want to because he doesn’t trust me.
Last night we spoke on the phone and I hung up on him. I feel horrible for doing so, but for someone who knows me so well, I sometimes question why he says certain things. I’m giving him mixed signals according to him, when I’ve thrown myself at him and he doesn’t want me, which would reinforce the idea that I shouldn’t try because no one wants damaged goods.
It’s just as well; there’d be too many problems if we tried. I know what is expected of me from my family and Cory is not included in that vision they have for me. Everyone tells me that I should stop living for my Mum, but they don’t know what she’s been through – what my brother and sisters have put her through. I’m already rebelling in pursuing what I’ve always wanted to study and not becoming a lawyer. If I can make things a little easier for her, I will. Not only is that a problem, but I know that my brother and sisters expect me to “pick up the slack,” “to fix the mess” that they’ve made by repeatedly disappointing and hurting her.
Nicky, my middle sister is giving her a hard time right now and last Christmas when I went home she was doing the same. Mum’s weight went down to 110 lbs (55 kgs – roughly) and for someone who is 5’11” that’s not at all healthy. If I don’t stress her out then her health won’t be put at risk, well no more than it is at the moment.
What do I do when I feel like I’m missing something? What do I do when I feel as if I’ve forgotten to do something if I haven’t spoken to him before I fall asleep? Why do I walk around and wonder what it would be like if he wasn’t studying two hours northwest of me?
Why am I in love with him and why can’t I make him understand that it’s not because he’s my comfort blanket? (That’s the other thing)
He thinks that I think of him as a “sure thing” or a comfort blanket of sorts. He thinks that I care for him because I know he cares for me… but maybe I’m beginning to doubt if he actually does care for me. (Did he ever think that would happen? That he’d drive me away when I’m trying so hard to hold onto him?)
Time to go finish packing, I’m going home tomorrow night. I’m catching the red-eye, I’m hoping I won’t feel jet lagged…even if it’s only 3 hours.
I don’t think I’ll post until the New Year so for anyone reading this, I hope you have a safe holiday season and a lovely New Year.
January 3rd, 2006 at 10:43 am
Hey Epicurean.
I can totally understand your decision to go under the knife so to speak. And I speak from experience when I say I understand. I’ve haunted by a problem for a long time and I’ve faced the dilema of whether I should have surgery to have it corrected or not. some people will say just be happy with yourself the way that you but it’s not always that simple. I say follow your heart. Do what you feel is right for you.
It’s great to know that you have someone like your flatmate who is there for you. She sounds like a diamond in the rough.
As for not telling your mum I understand a little more where you’re coming from now. At first I thought you should have told her but after what you’ve said I can understand why. It’s never easy being the oldest sibling. And who of us want to make our folks worry? None.
As for your situation with Cory, the path of love has never been simple at the best of times and in your case it’s no exception. Does he know about your health problems…the cancer and all? If so…maybe it’s just scary for him…after all there’s nothing worse than seeing a loved one suffer…sometimes it’s worse being the one who sees it.
reply back soon!
January 8th, 2006 at 11:57 am
hey epicurean! I’ve been reading your blogs and I have to say that it sounds like you have your hands full.
keep your head up kiddo and i cory probably did a smart thing right now by backing away. relationships take their toll on your emotions and last thing you need right now coupled with everything else is the emotional burden of a relationship. get yourself better first and then worry about that later.
choosy.
March 12th, 2007 at 5:41 am
I have found that by eating a little before bedtime I can fall asleep better. WBR LeoP
March 12th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
I have found that by eating a little before bedtime I can fall asleep better. WBR LeoP
March 12th, 2007 at 11:27 pm
I have found that by eating a little before bedtime I can fall asleep better. WBR LeoP