I remember there was a point in time where I’d perfected the art of silence and complete indifference – whatever happened to that girl? I’m a “woman” now and I miss being able to hide the way I do and don’t feel, being able to be completely self-reliant. I realise that the older I get, the more I need those around me. I’m great at being there for people, but why is it that I look around me and there’s no one there to be my rock? I mean there are people I can talk to, friends I love dearly and think of as family…but talking is always difficult for me. I’m never sure what I should or shouldn’t say or if they actually genuinely care or are just listening because they feel they have to.
It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything, mainly because I don’t want to see my words on paper right now. I’ve been stuck in this blah mode for the past couple of weeks and I don’t know how to shake it off, but it’s beginning to affect other aspects of my life – not just my sleep pattern, but how I interact with other people. Superficially you couldn’t tell that I’m any different from the “normal” Epicurean, however, I feel blank.
I remember there was a point in time where I’d perfected the art of silence and complete indifference – whatever happened to that girl? I’m a “woman” now and I miss being able to hide the way I do and don’t feel, being able to be completely self-reliant. I realise that the older I get, the more I need those around me. I’m great at being there for people, but why is it that I look around me and there’s no one there to be my rock? I mean there are people I can talk to, friends I love dearly and think of as family…but talking is always difficult for me. I’m never sure what I should or shouldn’t say or if they actually genuinely care or are just listening because they feel they have to.
I miss my flatmate. Renita and I are as thick as thieves…or so the saying goes. Ayanthi is moving in this next week so I won’t be here alone, but that’s not really the point. Next year should be interesting…Renita, Ayanthi, and me. I don’t imagine large amounts of work being done at all. The three of us get along quite well, but I’m just missing Renita. She knows parts of me that I’ve never told anyone because she just sees it…without having to say anything. A soul friend.
Even having written the three paragraphs above, I feel nothing. This summer was supposed to be about self discovery and I have 3 months left (June/July/August) for any of that to be accomplished 
I feel like I’m slowly breaking down and that soon I’ll be dust.
June 7th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
Read this book, called Flow. For some reason, I feel like it is exactly something you might need for your crisis. Simply realizing that your own condition is completely within your own hands is extremely empowering.
June 7th, 2006 at 11:58 pm
Sometimes it’s the feeling nothing that finally brings you to what you really care about. Don’t give yourself a time limit for self discovery. Reread what you wrote, you are starting to see yourself!
June 8th, 2006 at 12:00 am
Thank you, both of you - I went to the bookstore and looked up the book you recommended, Robert, and it’s on order.
Toni, I’ve reread it…and I suppose in it’s own way there is some sense of clairity…