Nicky came to visit me on Monday, awkward would be putting it mildly! Neither one of us had anything constructive to say to each other. I cooked lunch and she sat at my computer talking to her boyfriend on MSN messenger. When we both sat down all she did was hassle me about why I don’t have a boyfriend. I just felt like yelling back at her, “BECAUSE I’M NOT A SLAG WHO’LL JUMP ANY MALE THAT LOOKS AT ME!” But of course I didn’t, I sat there at the kitchen table, smiled and proceeded to tell her that no one has asked me out so I’ve not said yes. I regretted saying that for two reasons, I don’t like lying – although it would appear that I’m good at it – and I’m just not interested right now. I have a hard enough time trying to balance life outside university and uni itself. Then she asked me if I was a lesbian, not that there’s anything wrong with being interested in women, but I just wanted to smack her. My sexual orientation is my business, not hers!
I thought coming home was going to be different, but it’s not. Pas de tout!
I arrived in Vancouver on Sunday (the 18th) and Mum had work on Monday morning (understandable) so I stayed home all day. Today, Tuesday, it would seem that I’m left alone again. I met up with a few old secondary school friends, suffice to say that was awkward. I’m not good at making small talk and I realised that we don’t really have anything to talk about anymore. Kat, not so much, but Jessica and I were silent. It’s an odd feeling that overcomes your body when you realise that people you were once close to, considered “good mates” now are almost strangers. I suppose because my life is no longer really in Vancouver anymore, it’s in Montreal. Who I am today is in Montreal. Does that make sense?
When I was preparing to come home, I thought things would be different this time around but if I’m completely honest, they’re not. Today I realised just how much of a difference there is in how my Mum treats me and how she treats my oldest sister, Coco. It’s almost as if she’s more careful with her and tries a lot harder to please her – make her smile. It doesn’t really bother me, but it’s just peculiar. However, when I think about it, perhaps it’s not really because it’s always been that way. “E’s always been able to take care of herself and everyone around her…she doesn’t need people – people need her.”
This is going to sound stupid, so don’t say I didn’t warn you… I sometimes wonder when I’ll find that person who’ll realise that I do need people that I can’t just be completely self-sufficient and then I wonder if it’s even meant to be? I know there are individuals who go through life without ever knowing what it means to find someone who understands. Cory… well he only understands half of me and even then I’m pulling away from him because I know by letting him in that he’ll hurt me.
Nicky came to visit me on Monday, awkward would be putting it mildly! Neither one of us had anything constructive to say to each other. I cooked lunch and she sat at my computer talking to her boyfriend on MSN messenger. When we both sat down all she did was hassle me about why I don’t have a boyfriend. I just felt like yelling back at her, “BECAUSE I’M NOT A SLAG WHO’LL JUMP ANY MALE THAT LOOKS AT ME!” But of course I didn’t, I sat there at the kitchen table, smiled and proceeded to tell her that no one has asked me out so I’ve not said yes. I regretted saying that for two reasons, I don’t like lying – although it would appear that I’m good at it – and I’m just not interested right now. I have a hard enough time trying to balance life outside university and uni itself. Then she asked me if I was a lesbian, not that there’s anything wrong with being interested in women, but I just wanted to smack her. My sexual orientation is my business, not hers!
*long sigh*
I make choices and I live with them. I know it’s my choice to remain silent and I shouldn’t moan or complain about it.
I just wanted to tell someone because no one wants to listen and I suppose it’s up to you if you want to read.
New modules and lectures starting January, things are going to be very different this year.
a) I can’t afford to lose my scholarship because I didn’t get my student loan 
*poopers*
b) I need a change…
So I’m going to go start reading the new text book sitting in my suitcase (I bought it early thinking I’d do a bit of reading so I can stay on top of readings).
x
January 8th, 2006 at 11:59 am
hang in there hun, we all have troubles with our siblings and family. you just got to keep your chin up and focus on what you need to do in your own life. as for cory, as i said in the other blog keep your distance for now, its probably the last thing you need right now
March 7th, 2006 at 9:01 pm
i like this one…keep it up