It’s been a while, I haven’t written anything worthwhile and now…now I’m not sure anymore, but I’m trying - every day is hard, it’s hard not to give in to the temptation of ending things and giving up. I keep telling myself that if I keep faith, if I’m good to others, if I’m patient - things will be okay… but am I fooling myself? I’m happy though - happy with who I am, even if I’m not a perfect size 8, my breasts are symetrical, and I miss my Mum - I miss Steven and I realised I’m in love. But it’s different because even the things I don’t like about him are fine with me now.. although that doesn’t stop me from telling him he should cut back on smoking - if not quit all together…
This weekend was quite possibly one of the most amazing weekends I’ve ever had. Steven made me feel so welcome and safe in Chi-town, despite my unsettling arrival (the people who were supposed to pick me up from the airport showed up an hour and a half late after telling me where to meet them and even which bench to sit on!) Seeing him just made up for it – being able to spend time with him and being able to get to know him properly, it made my trip worth it. I’m sitting at the airport in Montreal because I just landed a little while ago and now I’m awaiting the arrival of my Devi ma and Gran, but I can’t help but smile. I can’t stop smiling because he showed me Chicago and I think I had the most romantic weekend (ever?) with him. It wasn’t intended – I met up with him on my first day as a friend and it just lead to us spending everyday of my entire trip together. Walks along the shoreline, walks along the boardwalk, in his neighbourhood, downtown, sitting and talking…all of it – I don’t have the right words to express how I feel.
I know I’ve been out with a lot of guys and that my choices in the past have been far from flattering, but I honestly believe (with my heart and my mind) that he is a good person and I would like to get to know him more. When I was with him, I met people he’s acquaintances with, his friends, and we met new people together as well. Everyone said the same thing, something I already felt at that moment in time and still feel right now; he’s a good person – a strong mind, a gentle and spiritual soul, and a creative individual. By no means is he perfect – he bites his nails and smokes – two things I hate but I know there are things about me that would bother him. He said he’d work on the smoking, he wants to quit for himself so I told him I’d help him if I could – it’s not something I’m going to push him to do because I don’t want to tell him what to do (even if he’s purposely killing himself…)
He’s so gentle with me though, the way he holds my hand, places his hand on the small of my back, holds open every door, tells his friends about me, and the way he kisses me softly. I’m afraid of falling in love with him but I think it may be too late. I fear falling in love because of the past, I’m trying to see things with him with fresh eyes, but I’m scared. I’ve never actually gotten to that level where you feel completely comfortable talking about religion and spirituality before and that’s what we’ve passed.
I’m not quite sure why I chose to use this as my “come back” blog. It’s been a while since I wrote anything, not being able to gather the energy to sit in front of my computer long enough to write something substantial. **Amit, I haven’t forgotten that I promised to replace the cheque** I’ve just been so absentminded – it’s not even funny. But I’m 95% in the clear, I have to go back for a few tests (isn’t that the way it usually goes?), however, other than that I’m feeling – both emotionally and physically much better. I had an experimental procedure done two months ago now; a “new” left breast was moulded for me from fat taken from other parts of my body alongside skin graphs to “replace” what was destroyed by the cancer. It actually looks fairly similar to my right breast – I don’t think anyone else can tell the difference.
I’m still sitting at the airport – I have two hours to wait before Devi and her Mum get in…what to do until then? Other than look at pictures from my trip?
OH…United Airlines bloody lost my baggage – I’m so pissed off because my glasses are in my baggage and if I don’t get them back I’m semi-screwed because I’ll be blind (my contacts expire tomorrow) so I suppose we’ll see what happens from here.
They found my bags and they delivered them to me.. I’m content again.. although I’m a bit stressed out - I want Devi and her Mum to have the best possible trip but I feel like I’m not really an adequate tour guide :(…
August 30th, 2006 at 1:28 pm
Hi Epi,
It’s good to have a post from you, it has been a long while! So you haven’t filled us in, Who is Steven, how did you guys meet, yadda yadda yadda????
Don’t worry about the cheque sweety, whenever you’re ready and it’s purely your choice, like I said, you don’t have to.
That’s great news about the experimental procedure that you had done! I can only imagine how important to a woman something like that must be but it’s great that it’s done and that you’re happy with the result!
Please give Diamond Devi a message from me, tell her I miss her loads and to come back soon! :’(
Look after yourself Epi! (((HUGZ)))
August 30th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
Cosemtic surgery has done miracles for many, many people. Cancer not only taxes your body, it presses on your soul as well. I am glad that you can feel beautiful again. And, it *does* sound like love with Steve.
February 15th, 2007 at 12:06 am
Personally, I have never seen big girls like the ones available here. Never use more than a single link away from the best big girls websites and free web cams…