And once again I’m reminded of the last conversation I had with my mother…before I lied to her once again. We weren’t really arguing because E’s a good little girl, she never argues (maybe I should start?), but Coco and I picked her up from work and I’m not entirely sure how we stumbled upon this topic but she ended up yelling at me and telling me that although my sisters and “brother” had choices… it doesn’t mean that I do. I can’t even begin to explain how much that hurt. She thinks I’ll buckle down under her fist because I can’t bring myself to hurt her – but what if in the process of not hurting her I’m doing myself a greater injustice? I don’t know anymore…well I do but I’m in denial. Coco asked her why she said what she did to me and the only response Coco got was “don’t put your foot in something that you can’t take it out of” and she left well enough alone. For as long as I remember Coco’s protected me but I suppose we all have to fight our own battles, right? I just wish I could convince her that I’m not a stupid little girl –I’m a responsible young adult who is not going to make a mess of her life. I suppose that’s asking for too much? I didn’t talk the rest of the time I was home, except at my Aunt’s wedding to wish her well…no one really noticed and it was okay. At the airport she said she’d miss me and I told her I wish I could stay longer (which was a lie) but I didn’t know what else to say. Why is it that I always think things will be different when I go home and then I’m so disappointed when I do return to find things the exact same.
So… my trip home is far behind me and things with Cory have gotten even more confusing than I could have imagined.
Mainly, I find myself doing things, saying things that I didn’t think I would… not at this point in the game or ever for that matter.
How do you know if you love someone? I’ve never experienced love before, how am I to know if that’s what it is? I know I never want to hurt him, but I also know that if I open myself to him, completely, he will hurt me. I don’t think it’ll be intentional but I know it’ll happen.
And once again I’m reminded of the last conversation I had with my mother…before I lied to her once again. We weren’t really arguing because E’s a good little girl, she never argues (maybe I should start?), but Coco and I picked her up from work and I’m not entirely sure how we stumbled upon this topic but she ended up yelling at me and telling me that although my sisters and “brother” had choices… it doesn’t mean that I do. I can’t even begin to explain how much that hurt. She thinks I’ll buckle down under her fist because I can’t bring myself to hurt her – but what if in the process of not hurting her I’m doing myself a greater injustice? I don’t know anymore…well I do but I’m in denial. Coco asked her why she said what she did to me and the only response Coco got was “don’t put your foot in something that you can’t take it out of” and she left well enough alone. For as long as I remember Coco’s protected me but I suppose we all have to fight our own battles, right? I just wish I could convince her that I’m not a stupid little girl –I’m a responsible young adult who is not going to make a mess of her life. I suppose that’s asking for too much? I didn’t talk the rest of the time I was home, except at my Aunt’s wedding to wish her well…no one really noticed and it was okay. At the airport she said she’d miss me and I told her I wish I could stay longer (which was a lie) but I didn’t know what else to say. Why is it that I always think things will be different when I go home and then I’m so disappointed when I do return to find things the exact same.
Then I find comfort in his words again, nothing more than words because I wouldn’t allow myself anything else. He asked me out and I told him that okay, fine… and then he phoned the radio (my favourite station) to say, “After six years of saying ‘no’ she’s finally said yes.” It was a lovely gesture and it’s probably one of the cutest things that I’ve ever been subject to – but my mother heard it. Have I already mentioned that she is not a fan of him? He’s a fine friend, but not boyfriend material. This coming from someone who told me if I dated before the age of 26 she’d personally make it her goal to make my life hell. On a brighter note, I received my very first love letter?
We all think of ending it sometimes, but sometimes I wish that the cancer hadn’t been curable (I know I’m lucky) and that I’d died – it would have been so much easier. What’s the point of living a life you don’t live for you but for your controlling mother? What’s the point of falling in love (if it is love) if you know that it’ll never quite work because you’re too weak to fight for it?
I’m only bloody nineteen; life shouldn’t be this difficult right now I should be having the time of my life – drinking, partying, being “carefree” and fearless.
I was sitting at the library today and the only thing I was thinking was, “why am I here…why am I not outside with everyone else? Enjoying the free alcohol?”
Well the second part I can answer – I don’t drink but I couldn’t figure out the first part.
Even when I’m around people, smiling, laughing, ‘enjoying’ myself, I’m never quite happy. Everyone around me thinks I have it together – that I’m so well put together…if they only knew what went on in my mind? How is it that people are so easily fooled? Actually I know the answer to that one – they don’t really care. So then I write and the few that do know me well enough read what I’ve written and they’re shocked…possibly a little fearful of my attitude towards my situation?
I tried showing Mum some of my writing again – she didn’t really want to see it, fair enough I suppose. I just sometimes she’d take an interest in what I was passionate about, but all she’s concerned with is me becoming a lawyer.
I’ve been going to the gym 6 days a week… I feel the pain right now! I think perhaps I should go take a nap for now, I can’t get rid of this fatigue I seem to have. Any advice on how to get rid of it?? Actually maybe I shouldn’t, it’s already ~ 6:30 pm and if I sleep now I won’t wake up from my ‘nap’ and will sleep though the night.
I don’t really have much else to say other than I hope everyone else out there in the ‘cyber’ world is okay and safe.
X
Epicurean
