It really annoys me that when Cory dumped me, I had to go and tell my Mum. Not only was she smug about it – she decided to go into detail about my life plan she has for me. Honestly, I don’t care. You’ve given me cancer, my newspaper column is gone as is my editorial position, and I’ve lost my best friend.
I had a conversation with God yesterday while I was in the shower at the YMCA. I just finished up with my work out because some fool didn’t get off the treadmill when he was supposed to and cut into my time – so I decided to cool off and just go downstairs and hit the showers. Anyhow, I’m mad at him at the moment.
You’re probably wondering why a selfish, ungrateful bitch, such as myself would be mad at God. Well here is why:
My boyfriend dumped me this past week and I’ve had some time to think. I’m beginning to realise that not once has he let things be semi easy for me. Not that I’m saying life should be all about me – I know this world is bigger than me and my problems may seem big to me, but they’re minute when you think about all the problems humanity faces as a whole.
So this is what I’ve realised, my entire life I have always come last on everyone’s agenda – including my own. My mother put (and still does) my sisters, my brother, and herself before me. Never once when I lived at home was it about me (which is fine… it doesn’t have to be about me…but I’d still like to know you care). Now some four years later, after I’ve been living in a foreign city approximately a 5 ½ hour flight from Vancouver she decides to take an interest in who I am and in my life. She’s decided to take such an interest that she’s planning my life out for me. I’m sorry but it’s too late. Now I’m far too polite to ever say anything so my voice will go unheard and maybe it’s for the best. My sisters hate me because they think I’m a spoilt brat – which doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve had hand-me downs my entire life (and I’m not just referring to clothing) and everything that I do have (for the exception of my laptop) I have WORKED for. If anyone knew half the jobs that I’ve taken on just to meet my rent every moth they’d look at me differently. They (still referring to the siblings) would be appalled to learn that I’m a cleaning lady on Sundays (yeah, that’s right I clean people’s toilets for money).
SO WHEN YOU BLOODY SEE WHAT’S IN MY BEDROOM YOU FUCKING BETTER BELIEVE I’VE WORKED HARD FOR IT AND I’VE NOT RECEIVED IT AS A “GIFT”!
It really annoys me that when Cory dumped me, I had to go and tell my mother. Not only was she smug about it – she decided to go into detail about my life plan she has for me. Honestly, I don’t care. You’ve given me cancer, my newspaper column is gone as is my editorial position, and I’ve lost my best friend. Generally speaking, I think I have the right to be mad at you – but you is God and how can you be mad at God? Doesn’t that make you an ungrateful ignorant fool? I’m not entirely sure what it makes me but I am currently indulging in Ben and Jerry’s “Cherry Garcia” because I don’t know what to do. I’m going to sign up for boxing lessons and I’ve been going to the gym more – taking my frustrations out there – but overall…what am I supposed to do? I feel like I should just give up, but I think about the child that would have been growing inside me and I think I wouldn’t want her to give up (if she existed – which she thankfully doesn’t). So I’m not giving up, but where does that leave me other than angry at myself for always sacrificing what I want for what’s best for everyone else?
I want to yell at Cory for what he’s done to me – for how much he’s hurt me, but he’s my friend and despite the fact that he’s hurt me more than I could have thought possible, I don’t want to hurt him. I do want to ask him one question though, how is it possible for someone to do one so wrong and the other to do one so right at the exact same time? Why did you let me make a fool of myself when you KNEW that you weren’t prepared to be in a committed relationship with me? Why did you let me give myself to you when you knew how much that meant to me?
I have so many questions for him but I doubt I’ll ever ask them.
What have I done that was so wrong in my past life that you continue to punish me in this one?
I hate how people think they know me, you couldn’t tell the first thing about me just because you call yourself a friend to me. There’s a reason I don’t let people in and it’s because I don’t trust them. I should never have believed that he was in love with me or that he even cared about me. I feel like a cheap two dollar whore, but perhaps that’s what I am…nothing better, nothing worse.
My mother wants me to go home as soon as exams are over, I told her no. She wants to know why I don’t want to go home, how to I tell her I’d rather not put myself in an unhealthy family setting where the only thing I’ll receive from anyone is abuse?
Fuck you world.
Fuck you for what you’ve taken from me.
Fuck me for being too weak to fight harder for what I want.
Oh just plain old FUCK.
March 22nd, 2006 at 2:26 pm
Hmmm, my original comment dissappeared!
Sounds like you’re having a rough time of it at the moment, just remember that there are always people there to talk to if you need them and I’m one of them.
Take care x