It’s funny, the older I get, the more I see my Mum in me (not a bad thing) but I see myself doing things that she does, saying things that she would.. And it’s odd because those are the things that I think she needs to change about herself and now here I am - following in some of her footsteps.
I feel old and washed up, people tell me when they talk to me and they don’t see my face, I sound like I’m mid twenties to early thirties…I need to start acting my age rather than trying to attain/act like something I’m not. I sometimes forget that I am only twenty years old and this is the only life that I have, this is the only chance I have at so many things. The same opportunities may not present themselves again and I’m letting things pass me by so quickly without even thinking about the consequences. I’m too complacent.
I still can’t quite get over being dumped - despite how well put together the entire world seems to think I am. The more time I spend on my own (without the company of my lovely flatmate Renita) the more I realise that I have a very long list of superficial relationships with people that I don’t really know. I go to birthday parties for people I’m not close to, but gifts because it’s the polite thing to do, and then come home wondering why I actually went.
The heating in my building has been turned off because it was starting to finally get nice outside, however, we seem to have reverted back to negative temperatures and my fingers are turning blue. We (Renita and I) requested the heating be turned back on, but it was fruitless - six days later, my fingers are still blue. My entire body feels like it’s been beaten up and I feel old. My blood, my bones, my skin, my spirit…every part of me feels as if it’s aged at least ten years this weekend.
It’s funny when you’re sick or going through a hard time, you tend to realise who your friends actually are. Although, Ronald (more on him later) seems to think that I’m too busy taking care of everyone around me, I’ve forgotten how to take care of myself. I hate to admit it, but I think he may be onto something. I don’t even remember how many times I’ve taken ice cream over, after a break up…or made chicken and avocado soup for someone who has been ill. He actually came over the past four nights (and I know my sister will have issues with him coming over because I’ve only known him two months), but my point was, I stopped eating because I had no appetite and food just wouldn’t stay down. He came over with my favourite foods and fed me 
Literally hand fed me while I sat in my blue Toronto sweatshirt and McGill sweat pants. I don’t know what to think of that…there are people I’ve known here for almost four years, others such as Austin, I’ve known almost eight years. I’m not indulging in a self-pity party, but I don’t know…it made me think. Apart from Mei, who told me to call her if I needed anything or got sick of my own company, no one else really cares do they? Which brings me to my next conclusion - people only care about themselves and that kind of hurts. I remember someone once told me “you only get as much out a relationship as you put in…” I feel like finding that person and calling them a liar. I care too much and I don’t even know why. It’s not as if I go around being nice to people and act caring because I want something from them - I don’t…but just now it feels kind of like a huge let down.
Then there are the friends who say they care because it makes them feel better about themselves, saying that they care. Making relationships that really are superficial appear to have some substance when in reality there is nothing there. So now I’m taking stock of my university career right now and realising that I have a whole host…a long list of mere acquaintances and there are others I’ve known since high school who have also turned out to be acquaintances….then there are those that I’ve met on barficulture and some of them have turned out to be “better” friends than people I’ve known half my life almost. (I put better in parenthesise because I don’t know if you can weigh friendship in those means)…
Okay, so I promised more on Ronald. I don’t know what to say about him really… a friend of my baby boy and is doing his masters in South African history. He’s a nice guy - but definitely gets on my nerves because he has to have something to say about everything although I must admit that he does bring up good points about whatever we’re talking about. He’s helped a lot since Cory dumped me (I can actually say that without crying… Cory dumped me), just someone to talk to and someone to laugh with me. The coolest thing about him would probably be the fact that he has a click in his first name and his last name (Ronald is his middle name) and he’s from Zimbabwe, hence the clicks. But he held my head over the toilet as I proceeded to puke up the saag (anyone who is familiar with Indian food will know what this is… *drools*) he brought over for me. I felt kind of bad because there’s only one Indian restaurant in Montreal that does take-aways AND makes saag and no, it’s no where near downtown.
Also, when Claudio dumped Renita (there’s something wrong with boys born on May 15th and have names beginning with C - Ren and I seemed to have had the same problems in our relationships)…but anyway, when she got dumped, he took her out and made her feel a bit better. He pointed out all the HADs (Hot Asian Dudes) and just generally let her talk, drink, dance, took us to eat at Timmy Ho’s (it was the only thing open), and let her talk some more, because I refused to drink, he also acted as a drinking partner so she didn’t feel so bad about being the only one out of the three of us. Oh, and he carried me from Guy to my street I thought he would drop me because I’m not exactly light! But he didn’t….. I still have a hard time believing it but…it happened so I probably should? He has issues with me doubting everything he does and says…which means what? Me, I told him I’m not looking to get into anything - he seems to be okay with that and we’re just friends…but I feel like he’s done more than a friend would…or is it that I don’t have the best of friends? I don’t know…
My darling twin has decided that my Mum has to find her a Punjabi Jatt so she can move to Canada and live here and have lots of beautiful babies. I have to remember to talk to her about that… either that or she’ll bring Raji and me two Italian Stallions when she returns from her trip to Rome. Which do you think is more likely?
Man I feel sad… really fucking sad. I wasn’t going to go into this but seriously, I feel so down. I started crying yesterday in the shower at the YMCA after I finished my work out, then I came upstairs and started to walk towards the exit, I started feeling dizzy and just sat on a bench - then proceeded to cry some more. People walked past me and no one noticed (I wasn’t doing it to be noticed, but it reinforces my opinion that people don’t care). Then Eddy, my long time crush at the YMCA (he works at the front desk with a few other people), noticed - gave me a funny look and smiled at me. The past two months have probably been two of the shittiest months, I know things could always be worse, but emotionally… they’ve been pretty bad. I called Adelene, I thought she might understand, but even my sister didn’t quite get it…maybe because I don’t really understand myself, what’s going on? I’m not sure. All I know is that I’m confused about everything right now. Also, I need to find another job (I am going to drop my CV off at LayLo tomorrow)…..fingers crossed? I would really like for things to start going a bit better, it’s like when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, there’s another level to it and you fall again and you keep falling until you realise, “I have to get up now…I can’t keep doing this” which brings me to my next point.
I have to start doing things for me rather than things for everyone else - I hate how I’m such a pushover. You ask me to do something and do so politely, I’ll do it - even if I know I shouldn’t.
So my goal for myself is to stop doing things for other people and start doing things for myself and start putting myself first.
It’s funny, the older I get, the more I see my Mum in me (not a bad thing) but I see myself doing things that she does, saying things that she would.. And it’s odd because those are the things that I think she needs to change about herself and now here I am - following in some of her footsteps.
Also, I really need to stop caring what other people think of who I am and what I do, in other words I need to stop seeking validation. The past four days have been a real eye-opener for me some things I’ve mentioned and others I haven’t, but regardless, I do need to change… and it’s not going to be done over night and it probably won’t be that easy, but if I’m going stop hurting myself, I really do need to do this and I want to do this… I just am afraid that I might need some help, in which case, I don’t know who to ask for that help.
I think I’ve said enough for one posting…
Good night and God bless (even if you don’t believe in God, there’s some higher power out there watching over everyone…)
/Epicurean
