The Power of Choice

You don’t really want to read it, but I’m hoping that I can share it - despite the fact you may not care to listen. Sometimes you just need someone there, it doesn’t matter that the individual in question isn’t actually paying attention. That s/he doesn’t care. I’ve been keeping a diary, well trying to, but then I realised that perhaps it’s better for me to just get it out? I tried sharing it before and it hurt too much. I don’t like people judging me. I don’t like people pitying me. However, I need begin saying what’s on my mind. People see me and they see this “well put together woman who has got it together..” little do they know I’m a mess.

So here it goes… step one is admiting the problem? I think!

Today is the first day that I’m going to admit that I’ve been sick. It’s been almost three years now, that I’ve been cancer free but I’ve had a hard time recovering. I managed to hide it from my Mum, I don’t think she would have let me go to university had I not been “healthy.” But what’s healthy for me isn’t healthy for other people. I still cough up blood when I have a “cough attack.” When I was going through treatment, it was normal – or at least it was for my situation at the time. Now, now I don’t know what’s going on with me. I sleep as little as four hours or as long as fourteen hours, never in between.

I’ve tried so hard to be healthy, you know that? I’ve been going to the gym regularly, I’ve been eating well but each time I think I’m safe, something happens and I fall back. I feel as if I’m drowning in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and no one can see me. I’m completely alone.

I want someone to come save me but when people look at me what they see is this well put together woman. They don’t see all the tiny cracks in the surface. They don’t see that one fall and I’d be broken, shattered in a million little pieces.

I’m not looking for pity, but I am looking for an outlet. I’m a regular – I’ll tell you that right now, but do me a favour leave it be don’t try and guess who I am because it’s not worth it. I just needed to tell someone. That someone was you, because I know that when you do judge me, it’ll be based on my words and my thoughts – not my past.

Day one: blood test round 4, I look like a junkie with all these needle marks on my arm!

I woke up today and thought to myself, “This is going to be a good day, I’m going to make it be a good day,” but now I’m scared that what if it isn’t all that great? What do I do then?

Last night I spoke to both my flat mates about what’s been going on with me. They were completely blown away by it. I guess because they didn’t expect it? Because I seem so, “normal” as one of them put it. I don’t look sick. That made me smile. We cried together and then we made a pact. It’s odd how close you become whilst away from home, studying. Is it because you know that these people are, more or less, in the same situation as you? Away from home with no support? I’m going off topic. I really feel better after talking to them last night. I slept really well last night. I feel like I’m not tired this morning.

Last night was a hard night though. I’ve been taking medication and it really doesn’t help me, but I stopped taking it and I was scolded like a five year-old, by the doctor. I’ve been taking them for almost four months now and I honestly don’t see a difference in the way I feel – if anything I feel worse. About 1:30 this morning I woke up and went to the toilet and I don’t know how but sometimes when I’m peeing I start crying. I know when I start crying that I’m about to empty out my insides. I feel as if I have no control over my body – it does what it wants. It happened twice, but the second time, around four this morning, there was no crying. I ran to the toilet and hugged it as if it was my best friend and I’d not seen him/her in ages.

But when I woke up this morning at six I felt good. I woke up before my alarm went off and I just lay in bed. The thing I love about waking up before others is the silence. I keep my two bedroom windows open at all times, and I love the cool breeze in the morning. I love the silence.

I hope today goes well, uni and then work, here I come!

Today was not a good day. I was supposed to meet with a friend this morning and she left me standing - I got stood up. I suppose I should be used to it by now, but it still annoyed me. And then just now I was supposed to meet with another friend over three hours ago at the library and she just showed up now. She has the indecency to say to me on the phone last night, Soulful; you never have time for me. Can we study together and then do dinner? I said fine. I just find her really hard to deal with at times, I don’t have the energy to even sit with her because every time I’m with her it’s as if she sucks me dry of all life. I leave feeling down and when I meet up with her I’m usually in high spirits.

I’m sorry I complain so much. It’s just that I’m not sure what else to do or who else to moan and bitch to. There are very few people I’d give that kind of control over me - and doing it on here is safe enough because I don’t need to worry about most of you trying to take advantage of me. Although. No, actually I’m not going to start on that.

Right, I should get back to revising.

Day 2: It was okay, not as good as I’d hoped it would be - but bearable, especially since a good friend sent me a care package and I finally received it today!

Today didn’t start out so well, but I’m hoping that it’ll end on a better note. I have an exam tomorrow, I need to feel well in order to function and perform my best.

I slept in this morning and missed my 8:30 lecture as did my flatmate (we have the same lecture). So now neither one of us has notes for today. I’m skipping the rest of my lectures today to revise for my exam tomorrow. I’ve been studying all week for this exam; I sincerely hope I do well!

Last night I came home from the library at ~ 10:00 pm and I’m fairly certain that most would pin me as a loner. The security guards at the library only ever see me alone (usually when I do study with people I’m already at the library waiting for them) so all they see is this short Asian girl come in early and leave late, always alone. It’s the same with the cafés I frequent.

I never really though of how others see me at uni before, it’s quite odd. I hope I get everything on my list of “to do” finished - if not, I sense an all nighter in my immediate future.

I completely forgot I began this “diary” so to speak. What’s been happening over this past month? I’ve had a lot of needles in me, but it’s finally come to an end, I think. The bruises on my arm are finally gone but I still feel like something is wrong. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t feel sick…

I had a cup of coffee yesterday; the waitress gave me the dirtiest look when I asked for two spoons of skim, not cream. I think she thought I was odd, which I am. I was okay for most of the day but towards the end of the day I could feel my heart beating throughout my entire body. I’m not sure how to describe the feeling, but it wasn’t a good feeling. I could see my chest move to the rhythm of my heart and it scared me. It’s normal apparently; well it is if I consume large amounts of caffeine. I knew I shouldn’t have but I just needed to taste the bitterness, swirl it around my tongue, and feel it go down my throat and into my stomach. I needed to taste that flavour.

Did I tell you I thought I was in love? Silly me, I forgot that love between a man and a woman doesn’t exist. ‘Tis over now, but at the time my heart actually ached. I felt like I had really bad indigestion but I hadn’t eaten and then a friend told me, “That’s loneliness.” And I’m thinking to myself, since when am I lonely? I’m constantly surrounded by people, but then I realised no one of those who I call a friend knows me.

*sigh*
*smile*
*close eyes*

I don’t let people in? I don’t let them in because in the end I get hurt. It’s a defence mechanism, at least this way I ensure that no one has the power to hurt me, right?

I know this is going to sound silly and I’m warning you before you continue reading this. I kind of wish I was seeing someone. Both of the people I live with are in long term relationships, and one of them is getting engaged this Christmas. All my friends around me seem to have someone… either “officially” or just casual. I’m not saying that I’d want something casual because I know me, I know I’d end up becoming too attached. Even now, guys flirt and I start believing what they say. It’s not their fault but mine, because I need to learn how to react/not react to certain things. Control. Control. Control. I need to be in control, c-o-n-t-r-o-l. *Deep breath* Okay, I feel better.

I was completely screwed over this morning because I forgot to set my clocks an hour ahead. I reminded everyone I know on Friday night and then come Saturday night I forgot. How stupid am I? So I went to bed at 2 and woke up at 5 and all day today I haven’t stopped shaking. I’m not sure why. There’s a huge mess in the kitchen from the party I had last night - which I’d better get cleaned soon.

I’m just talking to a friend; I think I can call him a friend? I’m not sure about anyone anymore - but he said, “Life might not be the party we had expected…but while we are here we might as well dance.” I have no clue where he took the quotation from, but it’s …

night.

I can’t do this… I really have no will power. I need to be stronger but how? How do you stop doing something you know is bad for you? Something as simple as chocolate? Coffee? How can I give them up? I know that I spend so much time in Starbuck’s and I rarely drink coffee, I’ll have tea but sometimes… I have this urge to drink more coffee because I can’t. I know I should be stronger but how? I need help?

My closest “friend” at uni doesn’t understand and she keeps putting it in front of me. She tells me I don’t explain what’s going on with me and when I do she doesn’t listen so I don’t even want to talk to her anymore. All she does is talk about what she saw in Vogue magazine and how she’s going to buy this or that. I just don’t care:|.

I’m a selfish cow aren’t I? I know I am but I’m beginning to realise that the use of “I” and “me” I can’t help but think the worse off I am. How can someone be so completely selfish?

My flatmates have been really helpful… but both of them are addicted to chocolate. They can’t help I know that much and I won’t ask because well that’s kind of rude of me?

I’m just moaning about nothing, ignore me.

Today was such a bad day; I’m not even going to start on it. I don’t want to think of anything that happened. I have this annoying habit of dissecting things and over analysing them, I want to stop.

I’m not feeling suicidal or anything so no one freak out on me but I saw this in post secret and I really identified with it. Maybe because things have been going really poorly these past few months, I don’t know. I know things could always be worse and that I should be grateful but… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Honestly.

* I haven’t a clue how to put in pictures*

And then there’s the whole issue of the boy. I still really care for him. I want to stop, I really do but how? How do you stop caring for someone so much that it hurts to think about them? How do you stop when you know that he’s never going to be yours? That he’ll never be in your world? Have I gone completely mad?

Grr. Why does he not want me? Am I too fat? Am I really ugly?

Stopping I know this isn’t going to lead anywhere and this is self destructive.

Ever since my fall a couple of weeks ago I’ve had this constant headache. It’s almost as if I’ve been living off painkillers. Sometimes the pain gets so unbearable that I can’t even just close my eyes and sleep it off… It’s like I have this constant pounding and then someone is poking my head with a needle.

I have finals this week and next week, before I go home for the “holidays” which I have been looking forward to for … oh about four months? I’m afraid though, Mum’s scheduled an appointment with our family doctor for a full physical. I know that the doctor is legally bound to keep everything to herself and Ma won’t know unless I tell her but I’m a bit afraid. Seems like no matter how hard I try something always comes up… just the way it is and I don’t know how to handle it. I wish I could just be straight-up with her instead of trying to protect her.

I try so hard to protect her from everything, but I’m beginning to wonder if it’s just better that I don’t? That I just let her see things fully? In clear light, rather than a light that I put things in, in order to distort it all.

I think I’m finally falling asleep.

Goodnight

Also read...

• Living every moment as the last
• 100 Days of Vision…Day 9
• The spiritual mindset…
• Wooohooo I did it!
• Making Sacrifices

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