How do you deal with death?
A friend passed away two days ago. He died of kidney cancer which spread to his lymph nodes, after which left him with a total of a month left. He had so much in life – uni, friends, family, work…people who loved him and things he loved. At age 24, Mike passed away at Toronto General in pain and high on drugs to ease that pain.
I keep writing in the present tense and then changing it to the past. It’s hard for me to believe he’s gone. How does someone like him just die a slow and painful death? What justice is there in that?
God, are you listening? Honestly, how can you take someone so beautiful out of this world?
His funeral is today, and because of my final exam schedule, I can’t go. How do you let someone go when you just found them? We met at Yuriko’s birthday party in October. I made fun of his dress style and he made fun of mine. I called him names and he threw his own back at me. Lord, why? I don’t get why he had to leave at such a young age! I feel for Patrick (his boyfriend). They were such a sweet couple. I wish Pat all the strength in the world…I pray he’ll get through this with the ability to look back and smile at all the happy memories they shared together.
How do you deal with death?
Does it make dealing with someone dying easier when you’re expecting it?
He kept telling us not to be anything but optimistic and now he’s gone.
April 23rd, 2006 at 7:16 pm
Hey Epicurean. I know it can be very difficult dealing with the loss of a friend. I lost a friend, he was about the same age, in very tragic circumstances when I was at college.
As tough as it was, deep down I felt that each soul chooses it’s own path because that soul wanted the experience of a particular thing at particular time.
Dealing with death is a unique experience for each individual but it sounds like Mike knew his journey in that vehicle was about to end and that he was about to embark on a a new one, hence his optimistic nature.
Never look to blame God or anyone for Death. There is no such thing, only transition. Remember Mike with love and send him good wishes for his new journey.
April 23rd, 2006 at 10:43 pm
Thanks Amit.
Rather than thinking rationally, I started thinking irrationally and looked to the one thing that has never actually let me down, faith in God, in some sort of higher being. I know blaming someone/something won’t bring him back and that he truly is in a happier place…just hard to imagine what things will be like without having him there…without his spirit.
April 24th, 2006 at 8:49 am
Of course, that is always the most difficult part but one of the best ways of overcoming that is to have a celebration of Mike’s life.
April 25th, 2006 at 4:13 am
There are truly no words that will soothe the pain of the loss we feel when someone so precious leaves our presence. We can only be comforted in the knowledge that love lives on inside each one of us, and those who have departed have left us with their love to comfort us in our pain. By extending the gift of this love to one another, we can stand in strength and unity with one another, and with God. You are in my heart.
April 25th, 2006 at 8:16 pm
Thank you seawave. You’re right that no words can soothe the pain but being around friends and family helps. Although even that doesn’t allow to mourn him, I get distracted and forget but I don’t want to forget. I don’t know if that even makes sense.
April 27th, 2006 at 3:55 am
yes, it does make sense…you want relief from the grief, the heaviness, the pain in your body and your soul, and you have the feeling that if you could just forget — the pain will be soothed, at least for a little while….but forgetting is absolutely what you fear most, what you don’t want…you want the person alive in your memory, alive in truth…alive in every way. I cannot offer you empty cliches about time and its power to heal…I can only offer you a heart that understands your pain…and hope that in some small way you are comforted in the knowledge that you are not alone…that even a stranger…someone you don’t know…can feel a sense of your pain…and can feel how much you honor the person you lost with your heartache and your love. Do not fear, you will never forget…that much I can guarantee.
April 28th, 2006 at 9:41 pm
Firstly, i’m sorry for your loss Epicurean. I lost my father a couple of years ago. If i can offer some advice, and reflect on methods which helped me through my darkest times. My advice to you is to rage, get angry, cry, be upset, let it all out of your system, till the tears dry up, and your heart that has broken is now shattered into peices (keep reading, hear me out, im not crazy!) But i ask that you do this either alone, or with someone who completly understands you. Take this opertunity to blame everyone that you feel is to blame for your friends death - fate, god, whoever….say it with full passion. When its all out in the universe and not locked away in your heart, then start visualising gold light flowing through your body - imagine gold treacle washing over your head, flowing through you to your toes, all that hatred and fear, lonliness is being relaced with the gold treacle. Let the warmth of this light engulf you completly, and say to the universe ‘ok, ive expereinced this loss now, now let me heal’. Try each day to replace the loss with the gold light.
Take each day as it comes, do not feal guilt for forgetting the little things you and your friend had, what better way can you honour your friends soul, then to live on in his courage and strenght, the way he did in his final hours! I pray your healing is quick, and i’m sure your friend is watching over you the way you did for him! God Bless xxx Kavi
April 30th, 2006 at 2:29 pm
Kavita and Seawave, thank you both. Honestly, you’ve both given me a lot to think about and have helped me realise where I should/can go from this point.
December 10th, 2006 at 6:45 pm
i lost my husband 11months bak to cancer?hospitals and doctors and yes God…till last day i was wishing and hoping for a miracle coz i never thought God would betray me..i feel betrayed by God and i feel i’ve betrayed my husband life’s not fair its not meant to be..but when u go thru so much of grief i think u do feel frustrated &depressed and you just cant help but shake an angry fist at “God” its a very purgative experience! We have all done it..iknow theres some higher force working…he was just 31..our life had just strd and its finished now…
December 11th, 2006 at 12:14 pm
Hi Rina,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. I cannot even remotely imagine what you must be going through. The hurt you feel right now is totally justified, no one can blame you for feeling the way you do. Although it’s of little comfort I do hope you do have lots of people around you who love and support you through these tough times, and even if you don’t then sometimes strangers are a good way to go!
If you need an ear to bend, you have one here!