This is what happens when Epicurean is in the midst of planning her nuptuals.
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Sep
4
Back to School – But Wait! You Can’t Go
Summer has officially ended, the leaves are beginning to change colours as the seasons shifts to autumn and university is about to start. However, students all over Canada are facing the decision of whether or not to go back – students who are relatively good students. One must question why this is the case, well it’s simple really: the government isn’t allowing us the opportunity to further our education.
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Aug
30
It’s been a while, I haven’t written anything worthwhile and now…now I’m not sure anymore, but I’m trying - every day is hard, it’s hard not to give in to the temptation of ending things and giving up. I keep telling myself that if I keep faith, if I’m good to others, if I’m patient - things will be okay… but am I fooling myself? I’m happy though - happy with who I am, even if I’m not a perfect size 8, my breasts are symetrical, and I miss my Mum - I miss Steven and I realised I’m in love. But it’s different because even the things I don’t like about him are fine with me now.. although that doesn’t stop me from telling him he should cut back on smoking - if not quit all together…
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Jun
19
Okay, I think I’m ready to admit this to “the world” or at least whoever reads this: I have cancer. I’m in the intial stages and I had my first chemo session Monday morning. I told my Mum on Sunday night (after her birthday) and she’s flying over this weekend. I know I’ve been through this once and I can do it again but I feel so weak and so tired. I don’t remember it feeling this bad last time. I’m trying to keep up with volunteer work but it’s getting to be a bit much so I think I’ll be cutting that out because after 16 hours of sleep there’s little time for other things.
I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in a long while and I can’t figure out if it was good or bad…a bit of both I suppose. As odd as this sounds, 2Pac was right, when it rains it pours.
But I’m going to beat this, even the two doctors that are taking my “case” seem optimistic and that’s saying something for Montreal doctors. Both of them are “no shit” kind of doctors so I feel a bit better about things. I sometimes do wonder why though…why me? I’m not even post menapausal yet.. this isn’t supposed to happen to me, not yet - I’m only 20. I know that questioning why isn’t going to help anything so I’m trying really hard not let myself indulge in self-pity because it won’t do any good and I need to keep a positive attitude.
I will beat you cancer - even if you take my breast I’m going to beat you!
I feel slightly better now that I’ve written this.
Thank you.
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Jun
7
I remember there was a point in time where I’d perfected the art of silence and complete indifference – whatever happened to that girl? I’m a “woman” now and I miss being able to hide the way I do and don’t feel, being able to be completely self-reliant. I realise that the older I get, the more I need those around me. I’m great at being there for people, but why is it that I look around me and there’s no one there to be my rock? I mean there are people I can talk to, friends I love dearly and think of as family…but talking is always difficult for me. I’m never sure what I should or shouldn’t say or if they actually genuinely care or are just listening because they feel they have to.
It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything, mainly because I don’t want to see my words on paper right now. I’ve been stuck in this blah mode for the past couple of weeks and I don’t know how to shake it off, but it’s beginning to affect other aspects of my life – not just my sleep pattern, but how I interact with other people. Superficially you couldn’t tell that I’m any different from the “normal” Epicurean, however, I feel blank.
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May
19
I never had a father.
Well, like everyone, I have a biological father but I never had a “daddy.” Unlike most people, however, I don’t know who my old man is. I’m a child of rape, at a family function my Mum got pregnant with me - the only thing I know for sure is that I do belong to that family. I just don’t know which one to look to when I want to send a father’s day card. Until I was five I called one of my Mum’s brothers “daddy” because I lived with him for a while - I didn’t know any better. Turns out it wasn’t him… wrong side of the family. The more I think about the past, the more I realise how insanely odd things in my childhood have been. I tried explaining the above to someone I’m fairly close to, yesterday, but it didn’t go over too well.
This is what I told her:
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May
12
I suppose the question I want to pose is this: How do you know when you’re happy? How do you differentiate happiness from a state of contentment?
So I have determined that it’s easier to ignore people’s reactions rather than deal with them head on.
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Apr
23
Dealing with death. (Epicurean)
Epicurean | 
Challenges, Daily, Epicurean, God, Thoughts, Your Stories | 
04 23rd, 2006| 
10 Comments »
Epicurean | Challenges, Daily, Epicurean, God, Thoughts, Your Stories | 04 23rd, 2006| 10 Comments »How do you deal with death?
A friend passed away two days ago. He died of kidney cancer which spread to his lymph nodes, after which left him with a total of a month left. He had so much in life – uni, friends, family, work…people who loved him and things he loved. At age 24, Mike passed away at Toronto General in pain and high on drugs to ease that pain.
I keep writing in the present tense and then changing it to the past. It’s hard for me to believe he’s gone. How does someone like him just die a slow and painful death? What justice is there in that?
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Apr
9
It’s funny, the older I get, the more I see my Mum in me (not a bad thing) but I see myself doing things that she does, saying things that she would.. And it’s odd because those are the things that I think she needs to change about herself and now here I am - following in some of her footsteps.
I feel old and washed up, people tell me when they talk to me and they don’t see my face, I sound like I’m mid twenties to early thirties…I need to start acting my age rather than trying to attain/act like something I’m not. I sometimes forget that I am only twenty years old and this is the only life that I have, this is the only chance I have at so many things. The same opportunities may not present themselves again and I’m letting things pass me by so quickly without even thinking about the consequences. I’m too complacent.
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Mar
20
It really annoys me that when Cory dumped me, I had to go and tell my Mum. Not only was she smug about it – she decided to go into detail about my life plan she has for me. Honestly, I don’t care. You’ve given me cancer, my newspaper column is gone as is my editorial position, and I’ve lost my best friend.
I had a conversation with God yesterday while I was in the shower at the YMCA. I just finished up with my work out because some fool didn’t get off the treadmill when he was supposed to and cut into my time – so I decided to cool off and just go downstairs and hit the showers. Anyhow, I’m mad at him at the moment.
You’re probably wondering why a selfish, ungrateful bitch, such as myself would be mad at God. Well here is why:
My boyfriend dumped me this past week and I’ve had some time to think. I’m beginning to realise that not once has he let things be semi easy for me. Not that I’m saying life should be all about me – I know this world is bigger than me and my problems may seem big to me, but they’re minute when you think about all the problems humanity faces as a whole.
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Mar
5
I think I might be pregnant but I don’t know for sure and won’t find out until next month. How do I pass the time between now and then?
It’s been a while (good thing Amit finally got things back up and running :P)!
I don’t know where to start really. I’ve known him since I was fourteen, we’ve been friends since then, and I know he’s always liked me since then. Now we’re finally together (not my fault I didn’t update!) and things are getting rather complicated. I’ve fallen in love (if I can say that) and well I did something semi stupid (but I don’t regret doing it).
I got there on Friday and I had everything planned. I bought something from LaSenza, rose petals, a nice Shiraz - lovely red wine, chocolate from Godiva, and candles…you get the picture - I was trying to seduce him. I had no idea what I was really getting myself into. I didn’t know that the condom would break and I didn’t know that I would be sitting here writing out my fears about being pregnant.
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Feb
23
Ah, what a crazy day it’s been today…I just realised it is “Friday the 13th” big deal. Honestly! Just another day, that for me, turned out to be pretty amazing.
I don’t really know where to start, to be honest. Last night I was on the phone with Cory until fairly early into the morning. We both have a hard time saying bye to each other…me because I hate saying bye to him…and him? Because he hates seeing me sad? I don’t know, but what he did was definitely sweet. He showed up on my doorstep with coffee. Now, there are 190 kilometres between Montreal and Ottawa – he spent two hours on the bus to come see me. He got up an hour after we hung up the phone and took the bus to see me. I think it was a nice gesture for two reasons:
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Feb
13
And once again I’m reminded of the last conversation I had with my mother…before I lied to her once again. We weren’t really arguing because E’s a good little girl, she never argues (maybe I should start?), but Coco and I picked her up from work and I’m not entirely sure how we stumbled upon this topic but she ended up yelling at me and telling me that although my sisters and “brother” had choices… it doesn’t mean that I do. I can’t even begin to explain how much that hurt. She thinks I’ll buckle down under her fist because I can’t bring myself to hurt her – but what if in the process of not hurting her I’m doing myself a greater injustice? I don’t know anymore…well I do but I’m in denial. Coco asked her why she said what she did to me and the only response Coco got was “don’t put your foot in something that you can’t take it out of” and she left well enough alone. For as long as I remember Coco’s protected me but I suppose we all have to fight our own battles, right? I just wish I could convince her that I’m not a stupid little girl –I’m a responsible young adult who is not going to make a mess of her life. I suppose that’s asking for too much? I didn’t talk the rest of the time I was home, except at my Aunt’s wedding to wish her well…no one really noticed and it was okay. At the airport she said she’d miss me and I told her I wish I could stay longer (which was a lie) but I didn’t know what else to say. Why is it that I always think things will be different when I go home and then I’m so disappointed when I do return to find things the exact same.
So… my trip home is far behind me and things with Cory have gotten even more confusing than I could have imagined.
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Jan
6
Nicky came to visit me on Monday, awkward would be putting it mildly! Neither one of us had anything constructive to say to each other. I cooked lunch and she sat at my computer talking to her boyfriend on MSN messenger. When we both sat down all she did was hassle me about why I don’t have a boyfriend. I just felt like yelling back at her, “BECAUSE I’M NOT A SLAG WHO’LL JUMP ANY MALE THAT LOOKS AT ME!” But of course I didn’t, I sat there at the kitchen table, smiled and proceeded to tell her that no one has asked me out so I’ve not said yes. I regretted saying that for two reasons, I don’t like lying – although it would appear that I’m good at it – and I’m just not interested right now. I have a hard enough time trying to balance life outside university and uni itself. Then she asked me if I was a lesbian, not that there’s anything wrong with being interested in women, but I just wanted to smack her. My sexual orientation is my business, not hers!
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Dec
18
I’m confused, but then again, what’s new? Thanks to everyone who commented in my last entry. That was actually written almost four months ago now. I think that I’ve given the wrong impression, it’s been three years since I’ve been cancer free, but there have been many complications on my road to recovery. I was in secondary school; because I’m in Canada the system is a little different, in my second last year. I didn’t tell anyone at school other than my teachers, I was too afraid to tell any of my friends. Why burden people who are not yet reached the maturity to talk about penises without giggling as if they’re thirteen year-olds, with breast cancer? I didn’t think anyone was really mature enough to handle it, so I kept it to myself.
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Dec
16
You don’t really want to read it, but I’m hoping that I can share it - despite the fact you may not care to listen. Sometimes you just need someone there, it doesn’t matter that the individual in question isn’t actually paying attention. That s/he doesn’t care. I’ve been keeping a diary, well trying to, but then I realised that perhaps it’s better for me to just get it out? I tried sharing it before and it hurt too much. I don’t like people judging me. I don’t like people pitying me. However, I need begin saying what’s on my mind. People see me and they see this “well put together woman who has got it together..” little do they know I’m a mess.
So here it goes… step one is admiting the problem? I think!
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