Have you ever heard a piece of music and fallen in love with it straight away? However, as time went by, you fell out of love with the song just as quickly?

Have you ever heard a piece of music and not liked it straight away? However, as time passed the song grew on you, and then the song became one that you loved for life?

Do either of those sound familiar?

I was in a coffee shop speaking with a friend recently and this topic arose. It’s a subject which has been in the back of my mind for years but it’s something that I’ve never written about.

Take the same principle but now consider the music aspect just an analogy of many aspects of life including relationships and friendships. In those cases too the same rule has always applied in my life.

Any time I’ve met someone and we’ve hit it off straight away, the relationship has always fizzled just as quickly as it started. It’s something I touched on when I answered this question from a reader.

The contrary is also true. Any time I’ve met someone and the relationship has had a chance to develop over time, the relationship has always lasted.

In my case there are rare exceptions to the rule but that pretty much sums up my life as it is right now and the people around me.

This conversation was sparked when the friend and I were talking about relationships. She said to me that she’s been dating someone and that they’ve been on four dates. She really likes the person but has yet to feel the ‘spark’. She asked my advice on what she should do and my opinion was simple.

A relationship will not necessarily flourish just because the biological spark existed from the offset. In fact, now, my first reaction nowadays is to be slightly more cautious no matter how tempting it might be to go full throttle.

I said that the lack of the spark could also be a prelude to a wonderful relationship. A deeper connection that goes beyond the physical connection; beyond a chemical reaction to an external stimulus.

2011 proved to me several times that jumping in at the deep end was unwise.

So I said to my friend to give it time. I used my music analogy and she said that it made sense and felt right to her. It reminded her of something that her dad had said to her which was “in the past, marriage was a path to love. But now, love is a path to marriage.”

Override

Look at your life, has this been the case with you and does it mean it will always be that way? No, it doesn’t have to mean that at all. All it means is that if you do find you have an instant spark with someone that it’s worth taking a slightly more conscious approach.

Taking a breath and not getting swept away with the current is actually the choice of someone who is wise and experienced. I’ve actually noticed older and wiser people who have done this with me. I never knew or understood the reason at the time but after recent events it made perfect sense to me.

It’s only an assumption but I’m sure it’s sound. I’m positive that they’ve been through similar experiences hence took a step back.

Going With The Current

Aren’t we supposed to go with the flow? Aren’t we supposed to be in the natural flow of life and let the current take us forward as is talked about in many Law of Attraction books?

The answer to that for me is very simple, no! We don’t always understand why the current is leading us where it is or why we happen to be in that particular river.

If you do not like where your current is taking you, you’ve been given the power make a different choice. You may already be in the wrong river and be looking for the one that is right for you. When you do find the right one that’s exactly when you can go with the flow.

The same applies with relationships. The journey is not always black and white. You don’t always know the real reason you’ve connected with a person. If you have an instant spark, you can afford to approach the relationship with patience.

I received a very interesting piece of mail from a reader recently that really caught my attention.

I don’t normally do relationship advice, but since it was valentines day recently, I thought I’d give this one a shot!

It was such a simple, yet very common, and a very powerful question that definitely needs addressing. I welcome you to share your input also in the comments.

Here is the question I received:

Hey Amit, I just found your blog and you give some wonderful advice. I also noticed on your twitter you refer to yourself as a love doctor! I have a question for you though and from what I could see in your relationships section, it’s not something that you’ve addressed. My question is why do I seem to keep going for, and falling for, the wrong type of guy? I meet some amazingly nice guys who, on paper seem like keepers, but I just don’t feel attracted to them. Then I meet these guys who I know will be bad for me and I just can’t help but fall for them. What’s wrong with me? Am I crazy? Is there something wrong with me? Why don’t I like these nice guys? Why do I seem to instantly fall for the kind of guy who I know is going to break my heart and cause me so much pain?

Here’s my answer:

First things first; no, you’re not crazy! Countless women ask the same question yet they will continue to pursue the same course of action again and again.

They’ll meet a man, he won’t treat them very well, yet he’ll give off something which makes the woman feel attracted to him. It will be intoxicating for the woman.

Logic Vs Biology

She won’t be able to resist. Logic and reasoning will not work. Once you’ve fallen under your own spell, once those chemicals have triggered that addiction within you, it’s very hard to escape.

I’m going to elaborate on that but before I continue, I just want to say, I’m definitely no relationship expert, never have I claimed to be, anything I offer you here is sheer opinion and nothing else.

As I said, logic and reasoning won’t work here, but for the sake of clarity, I’m going to explain why you go for these guys; but since the logical part of your brain is not as powerful as the chemical reactions going on, it won’t change your pattern of behaviour.

Why don’t you like nice guys? Simple, they do not trigger a fix that your body needs. They do behave in a way which comes across as taboo to you. Your body, over the years has now become conditioned to want to experience something particular when it comes to men.

You’re going to have to tell me more about your past relationships be able to get to the root of when this all began.

When you meet a bad boy, the kind of guy you know you shouldn’t go out with, it’s sparks a chemical reaction that your body likes. It’s a bit like a drug. In the same way that people can become addicted to pain killers, you’re now addicted to this chemical reaction.

It’s almost like when you can’t have something, you want it even more!

It’s pure biology and nothing else. It’s different for guys, they can have a very simple fix, they can masturbate. It’s pretty much the pinnacle of what guys experience. There are levels, but not quite like the levels women have.

For a woman, an orgasm is not really as powerful on it’s own. Guys can provide something for women that is much more powerful, a challenge! When a woman feels love for a man and it is not reciprocated, it’s sparks something, they ask why? It creates drama.

It creates pain and as counter-intuitive as it may sound, this pain is often very pleasurable on an unconscious chemical level.

Overwriting

Some people might say that this is totally by design, and I agree, however, it doesn’t always have to be this way. I’ll give you a great example. I was speaking with a friend recently who had an arranged marriage. When she first met and married her husband, she had no feelings towards him whatsoever.

In fact, she also used to go for the bad boy, but she decided to engross herself in her faith and opted to have an arranged marriage. Now, she loves her husband with all her heart. They have children together and have a wonderful relationship. It was her power of choice and her decision to live consciously that made her want to take a completely different path.

I also have friends who are in the same boat as you and also always choose the wrong kind of guy.

So the big question is of course, what can be done about it?

Go get an arranged marriage! Okay, maybe that isn’t the answer however, what I’m about to say you may not like.

Firstly, you need to recognise the truth of what is going on. You need to understand this concept of the biological processes that are happening without your knowing.

Recognition is the first step. Once you’ve recognised what is going on you can break the pattern sooner. If you do get to interrupt it in time then you’re a position where you can start thinking more consciously. You will be able to bring a little bit of logic into the equation.

Making a decision is the next step. In the example of the friend I mentioned earlier, she made a conscious decision to choose a different path. She is a testament to what is possible.

I believe the woman who is patient enough for the attraction to kick in, especially when it doesn’t happen straight away, is the one who will always come out on top.

Now lets take this to a deeper, level.

If you keep on saying to yourself and everyone around you, that you always fall for the wrong type of guy, you’re also programming yourself to continue the same behaviour.

Once a program is written, it’s difficult to rewrite so it’s best to overwrite. Instead of saying “I’ll never meet mister right”, say “bad boys are so good for me”.

The next step is to become totally at ease with who you are; even your shortcomings. If you can totally accept who you are now, and love yourself, regardless of whether you are constantly going for the wrong type of guy, you open yourself to an entire universe of possibilities. You will meet a nice guy who exudes the bad boy stuff that you like.

Ask yourself, “up until now, what’s the void I’ve been trying to fill?” What is it exactly that you’ve been getting from these bad boys? What have they been giving you that you’ve needed? Each of these men have served their purpose in some way for you. What need within you have they fulfilled?

Lastly, I just want to briefly talk about love. Even when you meet mister right, and you have a deep and meaningful soul connection with them, doesn’t mean that it’s always going to flawless and smooth and always wonderful, you’re still going to face incredible challenges which will enable you to grow; an experience that every human needs.

I hope I’ve addressed your question in some way, but there is no easy fix. It’s up to you choose an alternate path.

There are plenty of people who come here and leave comments and I’m sure they will also be able to offer some insights that will steer you in a direction that you would prefer to go in.

Any other ladies out there who were in similar situations? What did you do?

Good luck on your quest!

P.S.

Nice guys, don’t pay too many compliments to women; don’t be a needy guy; don’t call them all the time. If you’re behaving this way from a place of fear, that is, you’re doing it because you feel that if you don’t you won’t get her, then you’re acting from a place of fear and less likely to be attractive to the opposite sex. You’ve gotta learn to be cool, hang back and be the man you are meant to be.

Yes ladies, I know what you’re thinking, who is that muscular, sweaty, handsome devil in the picture? Yes it’s me so please can you control your hormones, I’m single and available! I’ll explain later why I put this particular picture up but for now I just want to ask you a couple of simple questions.

To the guys and gals – are you single? If so do you realise how good you have it? Or are you feeling miserable and do you often spend time fantasizing about having a partner just like your friends or the couples you see on the street? Do you waste the precious moments of your single life worrying about being left on the shelf? Flirting is good for the soul so if you’ve been single for a long time then this is just the article for you!

The Love Doctor

Before I go any further I wanted to mention that a big shift occurred for me when I discovered David DeAngelo. I just want to make it clear at this point that I don’t get paid to promote him and he probably doesn’t even know who I am. I’m just so grateful I discovered his work because it helped me get to grips with an area of my life I always struggled with. If you don’t already, subscribe to his news letter! I learned SO much just from reading them.

Single-hood Is Precious

As a single person you may not realise just how good you have it. Most single people are so caught up in self pity that precious opportunities pass them by and they don’t even realise it. Whatever your situation right now you are in exactly the right place you are supposed to be in but, going forward, you control what happens.

I used to be so bad at asking women out. I got lucky a few times but overall I was pretty bad at it and more often than not I was rejected and dejected over and over again. Being rejected is not nice but I’ll explain later how I turned things around. I still get rejected, and probably more often, but that’s because I try more often without the fear of rejection.

I once wrote an article called ‘One For The Nice Guys’ and I take back every single word I wrote on there! I was wrong and I’ve realised the error of my ways. If I knew then what I know now I would most likely be in a very different place. At this present moment I’m a bachelor, I love dating, meeting new people, and just having some fun along the way!

Date Like There’s No Tomorrow!

I used to get really depressed about being single but now I love it. I’m not saying I want to stay single but I recognise now how lucky I am. Yes I’m looking for someone I can share my life with, but on that journey, I’d like to have some fun and give women enjoyable experiences that they’ll remember for a long time to come! (Stop thinking naughty thoughts!)

If you’re single you can go on as many dates as you want and enjoy being flirtatious anywhere! (I’m a believer that just because you have a partner it doesn’t mean you can’t still flirt!) If you feel you need help in that area then keep reading and I’ll give you more suggestions about how to get good at it. In fact, I’ll be writing more posts on my dating tips.

Appearance

Ah now we come to the reason I put up that picture! A picture of me not looking so pretty and with sweaty pits? Why on earth would I put up a picture like that if I’m trying to attract women? It’s simple. I did because I know that women don’t really care what a guy looks like. If you can make her laugh, whilst being a confident, then any guy has the golden ticket to being a stud!

I used to be so worried about my weight and the way I looked that I made up a whole bunch of crappy limiting beliefs as to why women didn’t want to go out with me. I used to think it was about my weight, and how I looked, and those beliefs held me back for years. Now, no matter what anyone else thinks about me, I believe I’m handsome, sexy (despite the sweaty pits) and great fun to be with!

My rejections had nothing to do with the way I looked or my weight and everything to do with the way I did it. However it doesn’t hurt to make a bit of an effort. I do like to dress smart and women appreciate that but it isn’t the bottom line. I have got a date in the past whilst in my sports gear and looking like I’d just wrestled an alligator! (And lost!)

Get A Cool Attitude

I used to always came across as single, needy and clingy and that is definitely a big turn off. If you can learn to be more fun in your approach and not take rejection too seriously then you will come across as more attractive. In the beginning, the more you try, the more you’ll get rejected. It’s just the law of averages but as you get better at it you will get more yes’s than ‘no, please can you leave me alone and stop stalking me’!

If you’re not having luck then something needs to change. Change your approach and learn to have more fun in the process. If you get nervous approaching people then practise is all you need and you can start with your friends. Do a role play with a friend and see what they think. I was with my friend in the car the other day and I told her how I’d approach her if I was going to ask her out. Her response? ‘Smooth and I probably would’ve said yes!’

How To Handle Rejection

I’ve been rejected plenty and I remember how that used to make me feel in the past. I used to shut myself away but then I’d be a friend to the person who rejected me in the secret hope that they would see the kind of person I am and then fall hopelessly in love with me! Now my solution is simple; move on! If you get hung up on just one person then you’re missing out on millions of people who are single and looking.

If you’re feeling bad after being rejected the prime reason is simply that you’ve pinned your hopes on that one person. When you awaken to the idea that there’s an entire planet of single people out there you start to realise that, in the grand scheme of things, one rejection means nothing.

I turn things around and make it sound like the other person is asking me out. That way if things don’t go well I can playfully make out that it was me doing the rejecting. I may try a second time at a later stage but if the rejection happens I remind myself that they were not intelligent enough to recognise a smart, sexy, spiritual, fun person was here for the taking and that they missed out.

Some Things To Remember

1. If you’re single and you’ve been single a while get some feedback from friends to find out what you’re doing wrong. Then get yourself out there and start meeting women/men

2. Don’t just do the usual things for dates. Start with maybe a coffee and build from there. Then come up with imaginative things to do or places to go. Sometimes it’s not where you take them but what you do while you’re there. Something like walking on the beach can be a great place to have a date.

3. If you struggle to converse while on a date play some games. Have fun, play slaps, thumb wrestle or even truth or dare. Even the lack of conversation can be a topic to discuss. If you run out of things to say you can say something like ‘What do you normally talk about when you run of things to say to people?’

4. Engage in playful banter. When I’m on a date with a woman I might make fun out of whatever she’s wearing or, if I’m feeling particularly brave, and I know things are going well, I might make fun of the size of her butt!

5. Remember; you’re not going to get along with everyone so don’t worry if it doesn’t go well. Move on. Put yourself back out there meeting people and then have another go! Learn from the last experience and use it for future dates.

I could go on for hours on this subject now but I’ll leave it there and I’ll be back with more tips for all the single people out there. I have tons to share and upon seeing my success more and more people are coming to me asking me how I do it. Have fun and make the most of the time you’re single ‘coz soon you’ll have a partner who wants to go shopping all the time and will hog the duvet during the winter…brrrrr!

There are a few things in life that give me that me that extra bounce in my step: A huge pay rise; when a stranger pays me a compliment; knowing I’ve just survived a drive-by shooting…you know, the usual kind of stuff.

There is one thing I love doing that gives me that extra bounce and that’s having a good flirting session with a beautiful woman! I think flirting is great for the soul and I encourage more people to do it regardless of whether you have a girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse or even if you’ve just started dating!

I’ve been in relationships before and I’ve continued to flirt with women. My intention is not to necessarily pull or get the girl but I know that women enjoy the flirting just as much as I do and it’s just good fun!

Insecurity & Jealousy

I’ve seen couples get jealous at one another for their spouse flirting. That’s never made sense to me. Jealously is nothing other than a sign of distrust and insecurity. If you’re with your partner then a core part of that relationship is trust. If you feel you can’t trust them then maybe that relationship isn’t for you?!

As for insecurity that’s a personal issue that you will have to deal with on your own. There’s been times when I’ve dated good looking women and other men will stare at or even chat up the woman I’m with. What do I have to worry about? As far as I’m concerned, absolutely nothing! She’s a grown woman and can make her own decisions about who she wants to be with. I am not her owner and she doesn’t belong to me. If she meets someone who she feels she is better suited to then more power to them both. It might be a tiny bit upsetting in the beginning but usually within 24hours I’m ready to put myself back out there and just carry on having fun!

For me flirting and dating is all about having fun without the weight of any expectations of what it might lead to. It’s about being adventurous and having some playful banter. It’s about letting yourself go, telling stories, making other people laugh! It’s all about connecting with other people and maybe having some romance and intimacy!

Feeling Shy?

If you’re the kind of guy who’s always been to shy to approach women then you need to alter your approach. From personal experience I can say that the direct approach never works that well. A playful encounter is always the best way to go. I’ll talk more later about ways you can do that but if you’ve felt uncomfortable and nervous then there is one cure plain and simple; practice! The more you do it, the more you’ve overcome it!

Flirting Tips

(All of these can be applied to both men and women!)

1. The most important tip is don’t take it all too seriously! Don’t worry if you have the odd bad experience here or there. It’s happens. Just learn from it and move onto the next!

2. Girls love for the attention to be on them but it’s the way you do it. The best way is teasing them and playfully making fun of them. I call it being cheekily charming. Again, from my experience, I’ve never found a better way of sparking some chemistry with a woman!

3. Speed dating is a great way to practice your flirting! I’ve been twice now and I’ve always had a fantastic time and at worst case scenario just made some really cool friends. I went with some other guys who were good with women and I picked up some great techniques on keeping the conversation going and great conversation starters!

4. I’m not personally a fan of the direct approach whereby I go up to a woman and say “Hi, My name is Amit, what’s yours?” It’s never worked for me but I have seen other guys make it work for them. I think pick up lines are a better way to go so long as they’re not too cheesy or corny! The best approach by far though is either comment on something they’re wearing or doing, or, ask for a woman’s opinion on something!

5. If you approach the person while you’re nervous and sweaty, you’re going to feel self conscious about it! Try and give yourself a bit of composure time and then just go for it! Don’t wait too long though! I’ve done that on certain occasions and by the time I was ready they were already gone!

6. Learn to feel confident in walking away. What I mean is if the conversation isn’t going well, don’t worry! Just say “it’s been a pleasure” then walk away! It’s not always going to work out perfectly so don’t expect it to.

7. Meeting up at a coffee shop is a great way to kick off a first date! It’s a neutral place, there’s lots going on and you’re not spending too much money on a first date. It’s a great place to get to know each other and then start with the flirting! Toss in the odd innuendo, tease her, make fun of her, have a play fight, thumb wrestle, pretty much anything goes so long as you’re both having fun!

8. Friends make great flirting buddies! Flirt with your friends and get good by practising that way! Just by having fun other people get attracted to your company and want to be around you! Don’t play the part of the sad loser who’s had a miserable love life! Get over yourself and learn to have some fun!

9. Experiment with different approaches and see what works for you. I actually find approaching a group better and easier than approaching an individual as you can have fun as a group and you don’t get as many awkward silences. Even if you with just one person and you have that moment of silence…don’t feel awkward by it. Just let is pass naturally and you’ll both naturally find the next topic of conversation or something to break the ice again.

10. Don’t be afraid to make a fool out of yourself! I was out one night and there was this group of girls who were out on a hen night and they were all wearing bunny ears! I went up to them and asked on of them if I could try on the bunny ears. I looked like a total dork but it got them laughing and I had a great time!

If you want to take things to the next level and start dating then I recommend reading this.

I was walking to my car the other day and there was a really attractive woman walking in the same direction as me but she was ahead of me. I decided to pick up my pace to catch up to her. She was pulling along a huge empty suitcase and I decided that was going to be my way of breaking the ice. I pulled alongside her and I said “you got a dead body in there or something?” She laughed and smiled…I may later reveal one day what happened next!

Happy flirting!

How to tell a friend you love them…How to ease your heartbreak

For many Love = Friendship. So being in love with a very close friend leads to the next logical step of forming an intimate relationship.

I would love to be able to address this article at everyone but I think given the nature of the topic I think it would be difficult to do so although that doesn’t mean that not everyone can learn something from it. This is probably one of the most challenging and long articles I’ve ever decided to write simply because of the nature of the topic and the undefined way in which situations like this can be handled.

So firstly guys, my question to you: Have you ever been in love with or fallen in love with a friend only for them to turn around and reject you? Their answers might range from, “I see you just as a friend” or “I don’t feel that way about you.”

For many young men events like this can be both heartbreaking and soul destroying. I have been in that situation many times and even recently was in that same situation. I’ve heard so many stories where one party loves the other but the feelings weren’t returned. The truth is that situations like that are common and the first challenge is whether or not to act on your feelings. That in itself is a big challenge! For most guys, at the best of times, the decision of whether or not to go ahead and speak to a girl about their feelings is tough enough as it is. Firstly, you’re friends with this woman and it’s something you might value deeply. With that in mind you become faced with difficult choice: 1) Tell her and it could go either way. She will either feel the same about your or not and in which case the decision to tell her may permanently harm the friendship. 2) Don’t tell her and never find out how she felt about you. The element of regret can leave a lasting sting.

As I said earlier I can’t really speak from the perspective of what it must be like on the flip side for the woman in both ways, i.e. being on the receiving end but also being in the same situation and being in love with a friend! I’ve been in that situation more than once and a number of people have said to me that I fall in love to easily, it’s probably true, but I have a very loving nature towards all my closest friends and I do get attached quite easily. But in response to that attraction is such a natural thing and should never be frowned upon. I’m fortunate to have many close female friends who are have amazingly loving and good natured personalities as well as being beautiful. So naturally if I feel that the girl and I have a great friendship and in addition to that I find her attractive it seems like only natural to me that the next step would be to be honest with her and find out how she feels too. I know, I know, I make it sound easy I know but it’s where the rocky road begins.

Before I go any further guys, I don’t have all the answers, my sole intention with this article it to make that challenge just that little bit easier to handle. There is no dichotomy of a right or wrong way to handle this. You do however have to make a choice while taking into the consideration the feelings of the person you wish to tell and be understanding towards them. I’ve seen some guys totally undermine the woman’s feelings because they allowed their own hurt to saturate them and become totally oblivious to the females needs and end up leaving them hurt, lost, and a feeling that they’ve been abandoned by a friend.

So lets begin…

1. First and foremost, it’s time for me to be a bit brutal! Guys, don’t be such babies! This woman who you’re in love with isn’t the only woman you’re ever gonna love and if she doesn’t love you back it truly isn’t the end of the world! I know I’ve started off harshly but you have to accept this fact if you’re to stand a chance in making this thing work. React aggressively or childishly to her or her answer and you will end up blowing it for good! So first and foremost, before you do anything, give yourself a pep talk, if you’re too distracted get a friend you can confide in, tell them the situation and get them to give you a pep talk! Keep on telling yourself that no matter how this ends up, the most important thing is her, be understanding and compassionate towards her!

2. Make sure you plan a time and place to tell her properley! A time when you’re both alone, absolutely no distractions, just you and her, somewhere quiet where you can talk in your normal voice and can have good eye contact! Avoid doing it in a restaurant, at a club or anything like that, do it if you’re having a quiet meal at home and or watching a movie. Turn off the movie, finish your food and begin. Make sure you have nothing in your teeth though! For heavens sake, don’t do this over email, phone or text messages! If you do any slight misunderstanding could screw things up for good! It’s vitally important that she sees your body language and that you see hers!

3. When you get to that stage when you’re ready to tell her, don’t blurt out what you want to say, it might be a good idea to reassure her how much she means to you; that you will always be there for her and that you value your friendship highly! Once you’ve reassured her and made her feel at ease, it’s time tell her! Be honest and straight forward. Don’t try and tell her in a way which is indirect, it doesn’t serve you and you may not end up getting a straight answer which might leave you more confused then when you initially began down this path!

I can’t tell you what to tell her, that’s got to come from your own heart and soul, all I can do is put you in a better mental state in preparation for this big event!

4. Once you told her reassure her again! This is vitally important! Explain to her how much she means to you and that no matter what she says that you will be there for her. If she feels the same way, then you need not read further! If however she does not feel the same way about you it’s time to offer her some time. At this point, make you sure you gather yourself, this is a time where you might waffle something you didn’t mean to. Take a moment! Ask her if she would prefer it if you were to give her some room for a set period of time, e.g. a couple of weeks. Listen to her, acknowledge what she says, and respect her wishes!

5. Don’t run away because you’re upset!! Let the evening come to a close naturally and when it’s your time to go make sure you leave with a smile, again reassuring her! Once you’ve left, the heartache will really kick in! That being the case it would be worth having your pep talk friend on standby! Get them to accompany you somewhere! Go for some drinks, make sure you have someone there you can talk too! Despite what any macho guys might be thinking right about now, nope, strip joints and lap dancers aren’t going to ease your pain! Feel free to go do it if you want but it really won’t help or change the way you feel!

6. As tough as it might be for you to be around her, stick with her! If it gets to the point where your health is suffering then be honest with her. Don’t blame her, but do tell her honestly that you’re finding it tough. She will more than likely be understanding and compassionate towards you. Maybe explain to her that you need a bit of time away again reassuring her how much her friendship means to you! Take your time out but keep in touch with her, let her know that you’re thinking about her and are not just wrapped up in your own feelings. Do whatever you need to do during that time, but keep yourself occupied, don’t close yourself off from people, it’s people who will help you get through this challenging time!

Trust me guys, I’ve been there before, many a times! It’s even been a case where me and a friend have been in love with the same woman, in which case I’ve always yielded and in fact, I will do whatever I can to make help and support them getting together. It’s not easy but it’s because their friendship and my love for them has and will always be of paramount importance to me! If I had the choice of my happiness over my friend then my friend would win every time hands down!

If you don’t have someone to talk to, you have me! You can get in touch with me if you wish. Whatever happens don’t bottle it up and even though times like this can be scary and painful there are other people out there who’ve been through it too and can help you. I hope in some way I’ve been of help in giving you chance in telling the person you love how you feel, whilst at the same time, keeping a close friend!

I wish you success with your friend, your potential future lover, I sincerely hope it goes well!

In the spirit of this special day, I just wanted to wish my readers loads and loads of love on this day saved for giving extra special lovers and partners that that little bit more than the average day!!

While I was driving along the motorway this morning a particular song came on that sums up for me the meaning of what this day means to me. Enjoy!

We live in a massive global society which is saturated with blame. Justification of the blame is always relative to where you stand but most of the time the blame is assigned to take the focus from the root causes of the events. Blame is a great way to remove the onus from an individual or group assignment and move it to another party.

We’ve all done it, we’ve all been there, we’ve all felt that some external circumstance has been the reason for us feeling a particular way or as the cause for society being a particular way. With so many problems out there it’s no wonder that people feel that sense of blame but the problem is that the time and spent on issuing blame could be much better spent on finding a solution or another way of getting around the problem. This is particularly prevalent in politics, when the government implements a policy, or otherwise, which goes wrong and immediately the opposition seizes the opportunity to get in front of the camera to blame the government for it’s incompetence.

The greatest challenge we face when it comes to blame is who then takes ultimate responsibility? If no one does then longer term situations and circumstances will linger and eventually situations, feelings, tensions, will be left unresolved and the outcome will be more bitter than ever.

First and foremost, you and I are one and the same. If I blame you, I’m actually blaming myself! Whether you believe in this “Universal Quantum Relative Oneness” is truly beside the point. The point is, if I blame the bus driver for the bus being late, what purpose does it serve and how will it ultimately serve the outcome? Lets take a look step by step at the chain of events that is about to ensue:

1) Firstly, for whatever reason, the bus is late, It’s cold, pouring down with rain and I really need to get to the loo!
2) Because of that I get angry and frustrated and under my breath I start cursing the bus driver.
3) During my moments of cursing my blood pressure is slowly rising and my body’s immune system is weakening, even if only for a moment
4) Deep down I get angy, I ask God why is this happening to me? More damage to my immune system!
5) The bus finally arrives. When it arrives, I get on first and decide to have a go at the bus driver for being late. Meanwhile the 43 passengers behind me then also get angry and under their breath start blaming me for the them getting home late for the hot meal they have all ready and waiting for them at home.
6) The bus driver gets frustrated at my whining and starts driving like a maniac and that in turn annoys all the other passengers who are standing on the bus.
7) I finally get home…ignore my family so I can get to the loo! But someone is already in there and I get even more frustrated and angry and I remember who is to blame for all of this…the damn bus driver!
8 ) The bus driver gets home in a foul mood, doesn’t kiss his wife and then the wife makes the bus driver sleep on the couch and the bus driver blames me for ruining his day and for him having to sleep on the couch.
9) He’s grouchy at his kids and as a result they grow up to be moody adults who blame their parents for everything bad that happens to them!

I think you see where I’m going with this.

O.K., this maybe a slight exaggeration but in real life we rarely get to see the ripples of our actions and so it’s worth taking a step back to think about what those actions reap. In the case of blame, blame leads to anger and frustration, which in turn leads to bitterness, which is then passed onto others around us, which is then passed around some more, which then leads to health problems, which then leads to all sorts of other things as the example shows! Where does ripple end? I know that eventually it runs out of steam but it’s only a matter of time before another ripple begins and if another ripple begins so will another and another and another.

So if that’s the effects of blame what’s the alternative?

Just as those ripples begin with a thought and an action, in the same way, any situation, no matter what it maybe you can choose which ripple you want to disperse. Now imagine me at the same bus stand, in exactly the same situation…with the rain pouring down on my face, cold, and really needing to go to the loo…but this time, I decide to take a stance of forgiveness and patience, lets see the change in the scenario!

1) I decide to let all the other passengers on the bus before me…and I make sure they know that I’ve given way for them…not to satisfy my ego, but so that they are aware that someone has done something nice for them.
2) When I get onto the bus I smile at the bus driver and say thank you and maybe make a joke about the weather to cheer him up too. Now at this point I could be totally pissed off with the bus arriving late and so fourth…but we’ve already seen what will happen if I act on that blame and anger. So this time, I put that blame and anger aside and try and be as chilled out about the whole thing as I can.
3) I get home and I finally get to go to the loo and feel that sense of relief!!
4) Because I didn’t let the frustration get to me, I can then settle down and have a nice evening.
5) The other passengers also didn’t get frustrated at me because I didn’t have a go at the bus driver, they feel more at ease on the bus
6) Because the bus driver and I exchanged a few light hearted words that make us both smile, he then goes home and when he gets there he kisses his wife
7) He gets to sleep in his own bed!
8 ) His kids grow up as level headed respectable adults!

I’ll spare you my babbling but I’m sure you get the picture! If we truly want to take the path of blame..see how far it can go?

You can see straight away the anger through blame is futile. I achieves nothing more than disrupting not only my peaceful state but the state of others.

On a planetary scale, we can see around us immediate that the world right now is a pond full of blame ripples, all we need to do is turn those blame ripples into ripples of enjoyment, through seeing the grander picture of what our actions do. A few easy minutes of introspection can give you all the tools you need to find that place where you can feel more relaxed. And through that state of feeling more relaxed you’ll be in a better position of not looking for the person to blame in all situations, but rather looking for a solution, finding a way through the tough times without letting your blood pressure go through the roof!

Don’t make that poor bus driver sleep on the couch!

Building relationships is something that we will need to do throughout our lives in just about every area possible. No matter where you go or what you do, you will be surrounded by people. (unless you decide to become a hermit but even then you’ll still have a relationship with your surroundings.)

Regardless of whether you work, are self employed, unemployed, a family wo/man etc., you’ll constantly be in a position of being around people, and because of that, you will want to build strong and lasting relationships that benefit both you while keeping confrontations to an absolute minimum. These 5 tips are generic and can be applied in all situations no matter what they may be. They include spouses, kids, colleagues, clients, or in any other form that you can think of.

1. Clarity

Be absolutely clear about what you want from that you relationship and discuss that with the other person. Clarity brings with it direction and purpose. Without that you’ll be lost and won’t know how to use that relationship to bring equal benefit to both of you. Clarity is power and for any duration there is not you will notice distinct confusion and tension. If you establish the clarity early on both parties will know exactly where to stand and find it hundreds of times easier to bring up issues instantly as they arise.

At anytime you find difficultly establishing clarity and then get to the source reason. Is it just your communication? If so, find some common ground, something that you both appreciate and use that as a basis for future examples and to build your clarity. There will always be something, otherwise you would not both be in the same situation!

2. Honesty

Don’t lie just to please another person and on the same token don’t just disagree for the sake of disagreeing. The hurt that comes from it in the long run far outweighs any benefit. If you agree with someone for the sake of agreeing, you not only undermine yourself and your confidence but you may end up causing tension if a later date you decide to disagree with any previous agreement. Be as honest as you can without being confrontational.

Say how you feel and learn to speak your mind. Honesty is not just about telling the truth but about being open about you feelings. If you don’t like an idea, don’t just say you don’t like it. Be a bit more constructive and imaginative in the way you offer yours without dismissing or undermining the other person.

3. Respect

Respect is pretty self explanatory but I’ll add my two cents. People often have a habit of seeing any situation from only their perspective. Open your eyes as much as is humanly possible to see the situation from the other persons view point. Learn to open your mind to new possibilities and expand your horizons to encompass the other persons view. Truly get into their mindset to understand their viewpoint.

There is nothing worse than narrow mindedness and the mindset that ‘it’s my way or the high way’. Don’t allow yourself to get into that frame of thinking. It will limit your life for all time and you’ll miss out on some of the truly magnificent and diverse bits of life. Keep it open and keep it flexible.

4. Gratitude and Courtesy

There are many ways of looking at this one but simple gratitude and courtesy in any relationship will go miles and miles and miles…basically a long way! In my native tongue of Gujarati, the language construct is completely different to that of English; there are no literal words that equate to ‘thank you’ or ‘please’ but the tones makes an enormous amount of difference. So as well as showing gratitude and being courteous to the other person in words, keep a check on your tone and body language. Any falseness will gleam through kind of like wearing a pink jump suit in a forest while trying to remain unseen! Quite frankly, it just doesn’t work!

5. Gesture

There is always time to show someone as surprise gesture. Whatever the context or relationship, a friendly gesture once in a while will again go far in developing and maintaining that relationship. If you work with a team of people, treat everyone to some Krispy Kreme’s one day. That will lighten up everyone’s day. If it’s a partner, treat them to a weekend away! If it’s your kids, take a day off work and spend the day with them doing something fun that they’ve never done before! Whatever it maybe I guarantee that this one action above all will give all your relationships a massive boost and help strengthen them for the future.

Above all I will say that there is a golden rule to apply to all your relationships and that is quite simply that all relationships will be as productive and successful as you choose to make them. So value them all and enjoy them for the possibly short of long time that they may be part of your existence as, either way, that truly isn’t that long!