I received a very interesting piece of mail from a reader recently that really caught my attention.
I don’t normally do relationship advice, but since it was valentines day recently, I thought I’d give this one a shot!
It was such a simple, yet very common, and a very powerful question that definitely needs addressing. I welcome you to share your input also in the comments.
Here is the question I received:
Hey Amit, I just found your blog and you give some wonderful advice. I also noticed on your twitter you refer to yourself as a love doctor! I have a question for you though and from what I could see in your relationships section, it’s not something that you’ve addressed. My question is why do I seem to keep going for, and falling for, the wrong type of guy? I meet some amazingly nice guys who, on paper seem like keepers, but I just don’t feel attracted to them. Then I meet these guys who I know will be bad for me and I just can’t help but fall for them. What’s wrong with me? Am I crazy? Is there something wrong with me? Why don’t I like these nice guys? Why do I seem to instantly fall for the kind of guy who I know is going to break my heart and cause me so much pain?
Here’s my answer:
First things first; no, you’re not crazy! Countless women ask the same question yet they will continue to pursue the same course of action again and again.
They’ll meet a man, he won’t treat them very well, yet he’ll give off something which makes the woman feel attracted to him. It will be intoxicating for the woman.
Logic Vs Biology
She won’t be able to resist. Logic and reasoning will not work. Once you’ve fallen under your own spell, once those chemicals have triggered that addiction within you, it’s very hard to escape.
I’m going to elaborate on that but before I continue, I just want to say, I’m definitely no relationship expert, never have I claimed to be, anything I offer you here is sheer opinion and nothing else.
As I said, logic and reasoning won’t work here, but for the sake of clarity, I’m going to explain why you go for these guys; but since the logical part of your brain is not as powerful as the chemical reactions going on, it won’t change your pattern of behaviour.
Why don’t you like nice guys? Simple, they do not trigger a fix that your body needs. They do behave in a way which comes across as taboo to you. Your body, over the years has now become conditioned to want to experience something particular when it comes to men.
You’re going to have to tell me more about your past relationships be able to get to the root of when this all began.
When you meet a bad boy, the kind of guy you know you shouldn’t go out with, it’s sparks a chemical reaction that your body likes. It’s a bit like a drug. In the same way that people can become addicted to pain killers, you’re now addicted to this chemical reaction.
It’s almost like when you can’t have something, you want it even more!
It’s pure biology and nothing else. It’s different for guys, they can have a very simple fix, they can masturbate. It’s pretty much the pinnacle of what guys experience. There are levels, but not quite like the levels women have.
For a woman, an orgasm is not really as powerful on it’s own. Guys can provide something for women that is much more powerful, a challenge! When a woman feels love for a man and it is not reciprocated, it’s sparks something, they ask why? It creates drama.
It creates pain and as counter-intuitive as it may sound, this pain is often very pleasurable on an unconscious chemical level.
Some people might say that this is totally by design, and I agree, however, it doesn’t always have to be this way. I’ll give you a great example. I was speaking with a friend recently who had an arranged marriage. When she first met and married her husband, she had no feelings towards him whatsoever.
In fact, she also used to go for the bad boy, but she decided to engross herself in her faith and opted to have an arranged marriage. Now, she loves her husband with all her heart. They have children together and have a wonderful relationship. It was her power of choice and her decision to live consciously that made her want to take a completely different path.
I also have friends who are in the same boat as you and also always choose the wrong kind of guy.
So the big question is of course, what can be done about it?
Go get an arranged marriage! 😀 Okay, maybe that isn’t the answer however, what I’m about to say you may not like.
Firstly, you need to recognise the truth of what is going on. You need to understand this concept of the biological processes that are happening without your knowing.
Recognition is the first step. Once you’ve recognised what is going on you can break the pattern sooner. If you do get to interrupt it in time then you’re a position where you can start thinking more consciously. You will be able to bring a little bit of logic into the equation.
Making a decision is the next step. In the example of the friend I mentioned earlier, she made a conscious decision to choose a different path. She is a testament to what is possible.
I believe the woman who is patient enough for the attraction to kick in, especially when it doesn’t happen straight away, is the one who will always come out on top.
Now lets take this to a deeper, level.
If you keep on saying to yourself and everyone around you, that you always fall for the wrong type of guy, you’re also programming yourself to continue the same behaviour.
Once a program is written, it’s difficult to rewrite so it’s best to overwrite. Instead of saying “I’ll never meet mister right”, say “bad boys are so good for me”.
The next step is to become totally at ease with who you are; even your shortcomings. If you can totally accept who you are now, and love yourself, regardless of whether you are constantly going for the wrong type of guy, you open yourself to an entire universe of possibilities. You will meet a nice guy who exudes the bad boy stuff that you like.
Ask yourself, “up until now, what’s the void I’ve been trying to fill?” What is it exactly that you’ve been getting from these bad boys? What have they been giving you that you’ve needed? Each of these men have served their purpose in some way for you. What need within you have they fulfilled?
Lastly, I just want to briefly talk about love. Even when you meet mister right, and you have a deep and meaningful soul connection with them, doesn’t mean that it’s always going to flawless and smooth and always wonderful, you’re still going to face incredible challenges which will enable you to grow; an experience that every human needs.
I hope I’ve addressed your question in some way, but there is no easy fix. It’s up to you choose an alternate path.
There are plenty of people who come here and leave comments and I’m sure they will also be able to offer some insights that will steer you in a direction that you would prefer to go in.
Any other ladies out there who were in similar situations? What did you do?
Good luck on your quest!
Nice guys, don’t pay too many compliments to women; don’t be a needy guy; don’t call them all the time. If you’re behaving this way from a place of fear, that is, you’re doing it because you feel that if you don’t you won’t get her, then you’re acting from a place of fear and less likely to be attractive to the opposite sex. You’ve gotta learn to be cool, hang back and be the man you are meant to be.