Question From Reader: Why Do I Keep Falling For The Wrong Type Of Guy?

by Amit Sodha

in Coaching, Relationships

Trapped

I received a very interesting piece of mail from a reader recently that really caught my attention.

I don’t normally do relationship advice, but since it was valentines day recently, I thought I’d give this one a shot!

It was such a simple, yet very common, and a very powerful question that definitely needs addressing. I welcome you to share your input also in the comments.

Here is the question I received:

Hey Amit, I just found your blog and you give some wonderful advice. I also noticed on your twitter you refer to yourself as a love doctor! I have a question for you though and from what I could see in your relationships section, it’s not something that you’ve addressed. My question is why do I seem to keep going for, and falling for, the wrong type of guy? I meet some amazingly nice guys who, on paper seem like keepers, but I just don’t feel attracted to them. Then I meet these guys who I know will be bad for me and I just can’t help but fall for them. What’s wrong with me? Am I crazy? Is there something wrong with me? Why don’t I like these nice guys? Why do I seem to instantly fall for the kind of guy who I know is going to break my heart and cause me so much pain?

Here’s my answer:

First things first; no, you’re not crazy! Countless women ask the same question yet they will continue to pursue the same course of action again and again.

They’ll meet a man, he won’t treat them very well, yet he’ll give off something which makes the woman feel attracted to him. It will be intoxicating for the woman.

Logic Vs Biology

She won’t be able to resist. Logic and reasoning will not work. Once you’ve fallen under your own spell, once those chemicals have triggered that addiction within you, it’s very hard to escape.

I’m going to elaborate on that but before I continue, I just want to say, I’m definitely no relationship expert, never have I claimed to be, anything I offer you here is sheer opinion and nothing else.

As I said, logic and reasoning won’t work here, but for the sake of clarity, I’m going to explain why you go for these guys; but since the logical part of your brain is not as powerful as the chemical reactions going on, it won’t change your pattern of behaviour.

Why don’t you like nice guys? Simple, they do not trigger a fix that your body needs. They do behave in a way which comes across as taboo to you. Your body, over the years has now become conditioned to want to experience something particular when it comes to men.

You’re going to have to tell me more about your past relationships be able to get to the root of when this all began.

When you meet a bad boy, the kind of guy you know you shouldn’t go out with, it’s sparks a chemical reaction that your body likes. It’s a bit like a drug. In the same way that people can become addicted to pain killers, you’re now addicted to this chemical reaction.

It’s almost like when you can’t have something, you want it even more!

It’s pure biology and nothing else. It’s different for guys, they can have a very simple fix, they can masturbate. It’s pretty much the pinnacle of what guys experience. There are levels, but not quite like the levels women have.

For a woman, an orgasm is not really as powerful on it’s own. Guys can provide something for women that is much more powerful, a challenge! When a woman feels love for a man and it is not reciprocated, it’s sparks something, they ask why? It creates drama.

It creates pain and as counter-intuitive as it may sound, this pain is often very pleasurable on an unconscious chemical level.

Overwriting

Some people might say that this is totally by design, and I agree, however, it doesn’t always have to be this way. I’ll give you a great example. I was speaking with a friend recently who had an arranged marriage. When she first met and married her husband, she had no feelings towards him whatsoever.

In fact, she also used to go for the bad boy, but she decided to engross herself in her faith and opted to have an arranged marriage. Now, she loves her husband with all her heart. They have children together and have a wonderful relationship. It was her power of choice and her decision to live consciously that made her want to take a completely different path.

I also have friends who are in the same boat as you and also always choose the wrong kind of guy.

So the big question is of course, what can be done about it?

Go get an arranged marriage! :-D Okay, maybe that isn’t the answer however, what I’m about to say you may not like.

Firstly, you need to recognise the truth of what is going on. You need to understand this concept of the biological processes that are happening without your knowing.

Recognition is the first step. Once you’ve recognised what is going on you can break the pattern sooner. If you do get to interrupt it in time then you’re a position where you can start thinking more consciously. You will be able to bring a little bit of logic into the equation.

Making a decision is the next step. In the example of the friend I mentioned earlier, she made a conscious decision to choose a different path. She is a testament to what is possible.

I believe the woman who is patient enough for the attraction to kick in, especially when it doesn’t happen straight away, is the one who will always come out on top.

Now lets take this to a deeper, level.

If you keep on saying to yourself and everyone around you, that you always fall for the wrong type of guy, you’re also programming yourself to continue the same behaviour.

Once a program is written, it’s difficult to rewrite so it’s best to overwrite. Instead of saying “I’ll never meet mister right”, say “bad boys are so good for me”.

The next step is to become totally at ease with who you are; even your shortcomings. If you can totally accept who you are now, and love yourself, regardless of whether you are constantly going for the wrong type of guy, you open yourself to an entire universe of possibilities. You will meet a nice guy who exudes the bad boy stuff that you like.

Ask yourself, “up until now, what’s the void I’ve been trying to fill?” What is it exactly that you’ve been getting from these bad boys? What have they been giving you that you’ve needed? Each of these men have served their purpose in some way for you. What need within you have they fulfilled?

Lastly, I just want to briefly talk about love. Even when you meet mister right, and you have a deep and meaningful soul connection with them, doesn’t mean that it’s always going to flawless and smooth and always wonderful, you’re still going to face incredible challenges which will enable you to grow; an experience that every human needs.

I hope I’ve addressed your question in some way, but there is no easy fix. It’s up to you choose an alternate path.

There are plenty of people who come here and leave comments and I’m sure they will also be able to offer some insights that will steer you in a direction that you would prefer to go in.

Any other ladies out there who were in similar situations? What did you do?

Good luck on your quest!

P.S.


Nice guys, don’t pay too many compliments to women; don’t be a needy guy; don’t call them all the time. If you’re behaving this way from a place of fear, that is, you’re doing it because you feel that if you don’t you won’t get her, then you’re acting from a place of fear and less likely to be attractive to the opposite sex. You’ve gotta learn to be cool, hang back and be the man you are meant to be.

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

1 ruzcarmen diromo

Hi Amit! This is interesting! When it comes to relationships, I ought to have another blog site. LOL! That’s because I like discussing issues and concerns about love and relationships. Even when my husband is already snoring. LOL!

Anyways, as for the case at hand. All I can say is that some women just cannot help themselves from desiring a post as heroine – wanting to change a bad boy, wanting to liberate him from pains and working too hard against all hope that things will be better. And so it becomes a habit. A negative one, I should add.

Who was it that said the person you choose is a reflection of yourself or your ideals? That’s probably why we get weird couples who are truly happy, and witness admirable May-December romances that do last. Because some people seek the best of themselves in others – and find them. But for others, it’s all about seeking ways to make other become best, and in the end, leave out the one person that needs to be loved first — the SELF. :(

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2 Amit Sodha

Hey Ruz, LOL@Husband Snoring!

Interesting sentiment to end on. So that begs the question about whether the woman, being in love with her own biology, whether there is anything wrong with that? But I think that when it’s beyond awareness, that is, the woman is not aware of what she’s doing then I personally don’t believe that to be the best way to exist.

I think guys, very often, can do the same thing to, fall in lust, be in love with their biology too, and then once that fix has dissipated, seek a way out.

As you said, which I agree with, we often look for something which is both a reflection of us and also what we perceive to be missing.

Thanks for the awesome comments, hope the hubby slept soundly through the keyboard tapping! :-)

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3 jonathanfigaro

I’m not much of a relationship counselor. But i do have a formula for my relationships with women. It goes something like this.

Great Conversations= Great Arguments = Great sex= Reuse/ Recycle.

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4 Amit Sodha

LOL, awesome Jonathan! Does that formula for you work everytime?

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5 rob white

Hi Amit,
You are right. Most people are addicted to the ‘drug’ of drama and conflict. Getting to the root of that insanity is necessary to attracting the right and perfect match. Opposites in relationships is very healthy — my wife has certainly enlightened me to new perspectives. However; if you continually find yourself in dramatic fights and soap operas it time to get to the root of this insane pattern.

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6 Amit Sodha

Hey Rob, well said, Just curious, you and your wife, no doubt you still fight/argue occasionally, at what point do you think it goes from being healthy to being a drug?

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7 ayo

hello amit
how are you and how’s the training?
you’ve answered the question in great detail and i wonder why you say you aren’t a relationship expert lol!!
most times we choose who we want to spend our time & lives with and relationships are always work in progress.
i ‘m sure the reader will have a lot to gain from your response.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day

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8 Amit Sodha

Thanks Ayo and to answer your question, in all honesty, the training isn’t going great but then again, I say that before every event I compete in LOL.

Thanks so much for sharing!

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9 Angela Artemis/Powered by Intuition

Amit,
This was a fabulous article. I didn’t know you were the “love doctor?” Good to know!!

I agree with Rob though. When we’re in a relationship where we bring out the worst in each other and continue to create huge dramas – Something within each person is being reflected by the relationship that needs healing within. You know the saying: Wherever you go – there you are? It’s never really the other person’s fault as we like to think – we were there too!

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10 Amit Sodha

“Wherever you go – there you are?” Lol I love that quote… and very true indeed, I’m definitely no love doctor though, if recent times are anything to go by, but I’m always happy to share what I genuinely think. :-)

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11 Nea | Self Improvement Saga

Hi Amit. I think a woman’s need to nurture often leads to codependency, which leads to a strong attraction to those that “need” fixing. Generally, the guy who a woman is determined to nurture, change, and mold; will not change who he is. And so the woman is trapped in a codependent, self-destructive web she’s spun for herself.

The first step to stop falling for the wrong type of guy is to stop needing to be needed. How that’s done? Uhm, consider therapy.

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12 Amit Sodha

LOL you’re the second person to suggest getting therapy…someone else said that on my facebook wall. It’s interesting that you also mentioned the need to fix, I wonder where that comes from?!

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13 Stuart

Hey Amit, what a read! Didn’t know you were a Love Guru of sorts ;-)

I think love requires monitoring, as well as effort and persistence, and patience. Love requires many things, so the last thing we need to do is make it harder on ourselves. No creating drama or tension just to make ourselves feel better. Just enjoy the love train ;-)

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14 Amit Sodha

Hey Stuart, interesting as I was having that conversation with friend earlier over a cuppa about the effort and persistence that relationships take.

I’m jumping on the love train! LOL

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15 Paola Rivera

Amit, I loved your article. Its really amazing and its just haw I feel. Really, I just dont know why I fall for bad guys, I think I knew a bit of what you wrote but reading it makes me wonder about my life and my dating kind-of-person. Realle loved it and I made a quote about something you said here in my blog escenasdivididas.tumblr.com and wrote the source of the quote, so people can read this magnificent article. Good luck

Pao

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16 Amit Sodha

Hey Paola! Thank you so much for you comment and the link! That is very kind of you and I’m so glad the article was of value to you! :-)

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17 Whiffs of Bliss

Sounds like this issue is universal (e.g. male/female). However, besides being biological, chemical, and psychological, the issue is gravitational.

According to Law of Attraction, we GRAVITATE those whom match our vibration. If someone is used to so-called “good” people or “bad” they will continue attracting their usual match. Again, this applies to both men and women. The only way to alter one’s attraction is with new information – conscious awareness – that breaks the pattern, altering the vibration and point of attraction.

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18 Amit Sodha

Absolutely. Well said WoB.

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19 R

Hey! I like this article, I’m no relationship expert but i think we tend to attract people who are our vibrational match, and they say that if there are specific traits/qualities you don’t like in your partner, then these are qualities you may possess. but i like it when you mentioned that its important to become at ease with who you are and accept all of your short comings!! because no one is perfect! and its our imperfections which make us stand out! :) :)

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20 Amit Sodha

Hey R, You’re so right, no one is perfect. It also reminds me that old saying the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. When you become totally comfortable with who you are then it becomes so much easier to attract someone into your life! :-)

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21 seo

It’s perfect time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I want to suggest you few interesting things or tips. Perhaps you can write next articles referring to this article. I want to read more things about it!

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22 skittles234

I agree with those people on here who have said that you’re quite the relationship expert – your article is a testament to that! :-)

With regards to women falling for the wrong type of guy, it is a shame but this is necessary sometimes coz it helps us grow, it helps us become stronger and it helps us realise what it is we’re truly looking for in a guy, what it is that’s missing from the relationship….

Sometimes, it’s not a need that has to be filled as such – it’s a broken tape recorder that loops a song over and over again…. We (men and women, not just women), like machines, tend to repeat certain behavioural traits as second nature without even realising that we’re doing it…. It becomes a habit, like you say a drug, and before we know it, we’re trapped in this never-ending loop where we end up getting treated like crap time and time again…..

The solution? Enjoy life and stop getting so hung up on these things! Enjoy being in a relationship and enjoy being single – be free and happy. The right guy will come along when you least expect it. I know mine did ;-)

P.S. Amit, a little birdie tells me that you’re the desi Hitch and desi Joey….. Hmmmm…. A separate section on Love and Relationships is due, me thinks! ;-) x

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23 Savior syndrome

Thank you so much for this insightful info, I am definitely one of those women, I have been in therapy for around 2 months and I’m learning that I tend to be attracted to guys who are somewhat below me on the social scale, mainly because I have a tendency to fix and be needed, and once I help these men to the point when they don’t need me anymore I become codependent and needy.
This all comes down to self esteem as my therapist tells me when I meet someone on the same level as myself in terms of life goals and success I feel intimidated and no feelings evolve and I feel as though there is no way they could love me for just being me hence why I find the ones who need me.
I’m addicted to the adrenalin that comes from negative destructive relationships, even though when they start they are great it seems the same thing that attracted me will be the reason I have to leave.
Know your self worth and do not accept behavior that is negative, sometimes love isn’t enough and it’s purely the idea of the love that once was that keeps us holding on when things begin to fail- walk away and spend time with yourself!!

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24 Keeley Kossak

I simply want to tell you that I’m very new to blogging and honestly enjoyed your web blog. Very likely I’m want to bookmark your blog . You surely come with amazing writings. Kudos for sharing your webpage.

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25 free score

Very nice article. I definitely love this website. Keep writing!

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26 Amit Sodha

Thank you Kellie! :-)

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27 AA

Wow. This article really spoke to me. And most of the reader comments above are hitting the right notes too. I’m a woman with the same issue – but without the bad boys who perpetuate bad behaviour. I tend to go for guys who are nice, but who aren’t interested in me. (I know they aren’t interested, because they reject me). It’s not as bad as being involved with someone who is a ‘bad boy’, but it hurts just as bad.

I needed to read this article, to recognise that it’s like a drug, a habit that will replay until I consciously make an effort to break it. But it’s hard because of the “you can’t have something, you want it more!” part that you mention in the article.

Maybe my problem is I don’t handle rejection well. (Yes, I am at ease with my shortcomings).

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28 Amit Sodha

Hi there AA,

Handling rejection is part and parcel of the territory. Once you get to grips with that, the rest tends to take care of itself.

Fun dating is a great to do it. A friend of mine does that often. She goes on regular dates, with people she meets from various sources, just to learn to enjoy the experience and let go of the outcomes.

Worth a try? Mail me back if you’d like more help..

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29 Hue Mercante

Enjoyed reading through this, very good stuff, regards . “Nothing happens to any thing which that thing is not made by nature to bear.” by Marcus Aurelius Antoninus.

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